Author: “We Gonna Rock Down To” Elektra Natchios
Mood: Is pity a mood?
Listening to: Mozart’s Fur Elise
Hello everybody,
I just got back to my apartment, and I need to say this: I really dislike JFK airport.
I flew back from Japan today, and now I wish I had never gone. I should know better than to get involved in my ex’s life, but he’s going through a rough time right now, and I convinced myself that this time I could help him without getting emotionally invested. I was wrong. Maybe it’s exhaustion from the flight, but I’m overwhelmed right now. Yes, my old feelings are coming back up, but more than anything... I feel sorry for him.
(Not to mention I’ve gone through two fourteen hour flights in four days. I hate flying. It’s not that I’m afraid of death, but I prefer to at least have a chance in a fight, and gravity is one enemy I cannot kill by stabbing through the throat. Jet lag is another. I took a few Xanax, but I’m still feeling a little off.)
I’m talking about Matt Murdock, who is also Daredevil. You may have seen him on the news lately, because he now leads the Hand, a ninja death cult, and he has built a medieval Japanese castle in Manhattan named “Shadowland.” He has turned Hell’s Kitchen into his own faux-Feudal Japanese empire, and he is committed to the point of madness. I’ve heard he watches Rising Sun every morning. He gives his men their orders in what he considers haiku, though they don’t obey the syllable structure... and they rhyme. (Example: “Seasons return again, as the farmer returns to the chicken pen.” Apparently that meant they were out of eggs.) He has even outlawed chairs anywhere north of 42nd street. I’m sorry, but a man is not supposed to force his mid-life crisis on other people.
He wasn't like this when we were dating. Oh, he always had an Asian thing: he would quote things from the “samurai code,” or talk about getting a tattoo of the Japanese character for "radar sense.” (The closest translation he ever heard was “blind ghost who touches”, which he felt didn’t sound as shogun. I don’t think he knows what that word means.) I didn't think much of it, though. I wore bell-bottoms. We were all trying to find ourselves at that time.
Now, he seems lost. I know I will always feel something for him, and so my instinct is to try and help him, which is why I flew to Japan. Despite Matt’s little pagoda on the Hudson, the Hand’s power base will always be back there, and I wanted to investigate. Perhaps my judgment is clouded, but I wanted to believe that Matt is not in control, and I was right. There is a small group of Hand elders who have corrupted Matt, and are using him to conquer the world.
But even if Matt is being controlled by outside, magical forces, this behavior of his is exactly why I should have stayed away. I don't want to be like these other heroes. There is something about them that is obsessive, and unhealthy, and Matt was a perfect example even before this cosplay phase of his.
Despite his... numerous... romantic conquests, Matt has never come to terms with our breakup. I am not being immodest; this is fact. Ask anyone. In his defense, it was a rough split. Our relationship had been on the rocks for weeks after I was hired to kill him, and while I understood his position on the matter, he also knew how important my career is to me. When I wasn’t failing to kill him, all we did was argue, but just when we started to work things out, Bullseye murdered me.
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That is not a euphemism. I was dead for years until the Hand used ancient Japanese magic to resurrect me, but Matt and I couldn’t pick up where we had left off. He had already grieved for me, and I wasn’t ready for a physical relationship - it takes time to feel sexy after rising from the grave.
Ever since then, there has always been a great deal of sexual tension between us. Again, I’m not bragging; it’s the truth. We represent two sides of the same coin. Matt is idealistic, but his optimism is forever tested by a corrupt world. I have been forced to face this world’s ugly realities since I saw my father gunned down by police, but I want to believe that this world can be a better place, because of people like Matt. We understand each other in a way that no one else could. Also, my training has given me control over every muscle in my body, while Matt has extraordinary perception, particularly in his sense of touch. Hopefully I don’t have to explain, except to say that the man gave me orgasms that curled my toenails.
The tension is understandable, but Matt’s obsession for me goes deeper, which this latest outburst has made apparent. First he took over the Hand, the same cult that I spent years in, and then days ago he killed Bullseye in the exact same way that Bullseye killed me - with a two-handed upward stab through the chest with a sai.
Think about that for a moment. It’s not exactly like you can buy a sai at Walmart. Most people don’t know what they are, and those that do know of it from one of two people in all of history who were known for their preference of a sai: me and Raphael, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. And then to kill him in the exact same body position... that’s beyond coincidence. Also, of all the cults in the world, he just happened to take over mine?
I’m flattered to know Matt still thinks of me, but when I remember that we dated over ten years ago it becomes pathetic. Has he held on to his resentment for this long, or does he think this gesture will win me back? I mean, I’m the one who was killed, and I am over it. (It was the practical thing to do. As the world’s best assassins, Bullseye and I ran into each other at a lot of industry events. Forgiving him was worth avoiding all those awkward moments.)
It’s not even Matt’s fault; it’s the lifestyle. Heroes and villains spend too much time in their own little world. I was talking the Black Widow the other day, and I happened to mention that I haven’t had many other relationships. Without being asked for her opinion, Natasha told me that I give off the wrong by the way that I dress. She feels that men cannot respect a woman who wears a red leather one-piece, loincloth and arm bands. This confused me, because that’s how I dress... when I’m working. But when I explained that to Natasha, she just stared at me. These people even forget that there’s more to apparel than leather jumpsuits. When I showed her my closet, she picked up a pair of jeans and asked whether the zipper went in the front or the back. I felt too sorry for her to laugh.
When people ask me why I’ve switched “sides” so many times in my career, they think it’s because I lack morals. No - I switch sides when I want to meet new people. I’ve maintained my sanity because “assassin” is only one part of my life. I have groups of friends who can describe themselves without ever using the words “good” or “evil.” I have hobbies, like my co-ed dodgeball league on Wednesday nights. (Needless to say, I’m quite good, though I did have to ask the guys for a new nickname other than “Killer.”)
And for what it’s worth, Natasha, my lack of relationships is not for lack of opportunity. I am intelligent, cultured, wealthy, and - modesty aside - in incredible shape. The reason I’ve had fewer relationships is because men don’t respect boundaries. No matter how any times you tell them that tickling you will activate ninja training embedded into your muscle memory so deep that you will kill them in three different ways before you are aware of it, they always think that being adorable will protect them somehow. They are wrong.
I’m rambling. As I said, I’m very tired. And as much as I want to forget all about this, Matt needs to know what I saw in Japan, so I have to wake up early tomorrow and go see him. I have a feeling this won’t go well. If he refers to me as a geisha, I’m going to stab him with a sai, and the circle of life will be complete.
-E
This issue of the Superhero Diaries was brought to you by Shadowland #1-2, and Daredevil #509, by Andy Diggle. It’s a little silly, but we’re enjoying it.
