Author: Mitchell “Even round number” Hundred; AKA The Great Machine
Mood: Electric
Listening to: My alarm clock
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It's 3am and the alarm clock keeps telling me to go to sleep.
That's one of the things most people don't realize about my powers. Everybody focuses on the positives, like being able to change the channel without a remote. What no one realizes is that when you talk to machines, they talk back, and they're not always nice. You want to know why you always lose socks in the washing machine? Because washing machines are assholes. (Though if I spent all day chewing on underwear I'd probably be testy, too.)
As you might imagine, alarm clocks tend to be annoying little anal-retentive bastards. Every nine minutes my clock reminds me that it's 2:49 AM and I only have three hours and eleven minutes left to sleep. Thanks, “mom,” but who could sleep after the day I've had??? For days, someone has been terrorizing the city, robbing people's houses dressed as a fireman. I've been having weird ass dreams involving a talking, pun-making dog, and on top of all that, a woman sat down on the steps of City Hall and lit herself on fire, because when I was the Great Machine I busted her son for selling weed, and this week he was stabbed to death in prison.
So why am I smiling?
Because I have a superpower, that's why. Just when things were at their worst, I got pissed. I mean, really pissed. And then next thing I know…KABOOM! Lightning came through the window!!!! How awesome is that!?
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Up 'til now I was never a big fan of my so-called "powers." If I'm at a party and people hear that I'm a superhero, the first thing they want me to do is lift something heavy. "Hey Mitch, bench press my car." "Hey Mitch, move my refrigerator." Then I have to explain to them that I'm not super strong and if I move their refrigerator I'll throw out my back, but if they'd like I can talk it into making the freezer compartment a little colder. No one really wants to talk to me after that, and I usually spend the evening gossiping with the bathroom sink.
Wait 'til they get a load of me now. Press conference not going so well? Kaboom. Some asshole makes a crack about me dating a vacuum cleaner? Kaboom. I just got promoted from The Great Machine to the Incredible, Outstanding, Fantabulously Stupendous Machine. Write it down.
That is, if I can just get the lightning thing to work again. I can't figure it out. I've done everything I can think of. I even tried shouting "Shazam!" (The light bulb, who thinks he's a goddamn comedian, flickered a little bit. I told him to go screw himself. It's about as good as light bulb humor gets.)
At the Oscars, they honor those who have passed with a retrospective. In a similar vein, to honor the final issue of Ex Machina - a truly great comic (read our review of Ex Machina #50) - we’ve pulled out an old page from the diary of Mitchell Hundred. This issue of the Superhero Diaries was inspired by events in the “Fact v. Fiction” story line, from issues #11-16.
