Author: Dinah “The only thing better than a Little Black Dress is a little Black Canary!” Lance
Mood: Single and ready to mingle! Whoo!
Listening to: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, by Cindi Lauper (I looooooove this song!)
Hey there, bird watchers!
You guys know that it’s been a rough couple of months for me, ever since my divorce from Green Assho- I mean... Green Arrow. :) But that’s all going to change now. I’m learning to not let other people dictate my happiness, and to see all the ways I’m better off without him. (Thanks, Oprah!)
That’s why I was so excited to hear from my friend Oracle yesterday. You remember her - she’s the one in the wheelchair, who’s so good with computers? She started that “Birds of Prey” group I was in before I got married to Chin Pubes.
Why did I ever think he was the one for me? Do you know many times I went through that stupid Robin Hood/Maid Marian fantasy of his? I had to wear a corset!!! Thanks - that didn’t make me feel fat at all. (Besides, he was better suited for the role of “Little John”! LOL!)
Sorry, sorry - enough about him. I know it’s annoying, but I still think about him a lot.
So yeah, Oracle called me to meet up tonight. She said all the girls would be here: Huntress (the “Miranda” of the group - a bitch, but we love her), Lady Blackhawk (our “Samantha”, and you guys reading this probably know why!), Oracle (SUCH a “Charlotte”) and me. I know every girl thinks she’s like Carrie, but I’m not even exaggerating. And it’s not just because I heart Manolos.
I was like, Totes McGotes, I’m there! Ladies night!!! Making out with some guy in a bar is just what I need to stop thinking about you-know-who. But I had to get ready, first. I knew Huntress would be looking good - she weighs like TWO pounds and wears the skimpiest outfits. We hate her so much. (JK, H!) I needed my A-game, so this morning I went for a mani-pedi, highlights, a suuuuuuuuuuuuuuper scandalous wax, and you KNOW I was getting the leather one-piece out of the closet. Tonight, we’re the Birds of Play!
When we met up, those first five minutes were an absolute tear-fest. I forgot how much I missed these girls. I’d been so wrapped up in my marriage - barf - that I’d lost touch with the people who actually know how to make me feel good. (Burn!) I didn’t even care when Oracle said that we couldn’t go out; we had a case to solve. I only wish I hadn’t pre-partied with those cosmos. Fighting evil when I’m drunk is the worst. Things seem so much worse, even when they’re no biggies. One time, we were busting up a drug ring in a nightclub when a bystander knocked over some drinks. I’d had a couple margaritas and don’t remember this, but apparently I yelled “Party Foul!!!” and kicked him in the throat. Also, drinking and fighting pretty much guarantees that I’m puking later, but there was no way I would miss a night out with my BFF’s.
I’m so glad I wore the one-piece, too, because OMG, Huntress’s outfit is redonkulous. You can’t even call it “bare midriff” - it’s like her entire-riff is bare. I mean, slutty much? (You know I love you, H! It’s because I’m jealous!)
Anyway, someone’s been sending Oracle these creepy threats, and they were supposed to contact us with instructions around midnight. I figured it was some stalker who had earned himself one of my Canary Crippling Crotch Kicks; I couldn’t believe it when it turned out to be a chick...and a hot one.
We were led to an alley where we saw this girl dressed in white leather, wearing a one-piece, heels, leggings and a coat. She wore her black hair in a braid, but I couldn’t see her face because of a mask over her nose and mouth. All I could tell was that she was Asian... and HAWT. Like, I’m straight, but for her I’d make an exception. I even hoped someone would video tape our cat-fight because that would get like ten million views on YouTube. My ex would DIE. Good thing that didn’t happen, because Huntress and I got stomped.
Whoever this chickadee is, she is good. Huntress and I only made it out of there because Oracle called Hawk and Dove to bail us out. Does that mean they’re part of the group now? I don’t know how I feel about that. They’re the “avatars of war and peace”, but that’s just fancy-talk for “Meathead Douche” and “Passive Aggressive Stick in the Mud.”
I will say this, though: the way their bird names fit with the team name? ADORABLE. Now we need to come up with bird names for Oracle and Huntress. From the way she desperately displays her goodies for the attention of the opposite sex, Huntress should definitely be Peacock. (I kid ‘cause I love, H! Though seriously, I’m watching you flirt with Hawk right now and it’s gross. Keep it in your pants.) But what about Oracle? What bird is really smart? Legless birds could work too. Please send suggestions to
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.
Now we’re at the Penguin’s club, figuring out what to do next. I’m not really sure how he’s involved, other than that the “White Canary” stabbed him in the neck. Now I’ve got fat man blood all over me, which means even if wrap this up soon, I’ll still need to go home and change before we hit the bars. Ugh.
But you know what? I don’t even care. And I don’t care that this White Canary beeyotch knows all about my secret identity, or that she gave the information to reporters who are now broadcasting my life story on network TV. My divorce has shown me how strong I can be. I can move forward from this, because I’m confident, sexy, and-
Oh. My. God. Guess who just sent me an angry “text message”. And the reason why I put “text message” in quotes is because it’s a piece of paper - TIED TO AN ARROW - but he uses text speak: “Hope u + hawk r happy 2gther. avatar of war + avatar of whore. ROFLMAO! Nice karate fail. Asian canary = better, hotter.”
Stop following me and enough with the arrows, you loser.
Uh oh, Oracle’s calling me. I’m hoping it’s for body shots, but she’s got that “I’m sending you out to get kicked in the face again” look. Gotta go!
-BlackC
This episode of the Superhero Diaries was brought to you by Birds of Prey #1-2, with art by Ed Benes and script by Gail Simone. Or at least, we’re assuming there was a script - we weren’t exactly looking at the characters’ eyes. For someone whose comics career began because of her stance against the objectification of women in comic books, it’s odd to see Simone paired with Benes. Did she know how well he draws hot women in skimpy outfits? Check out the cover of #1 - the width of Black Canary’s outfit could be measured in labia. We’re not complaining, mind you. We just saying that while we really really really enjoyed these issues, it probably wasn’t for the best reasons.
