Lately on Thursday we’ve been bringing you updates on some characters from comics about their current whereabouts and what not. Well today, we’re going to do it differently. We’re going to skip past the company line and tell you the ugly truth about one of Marvel's better known B-List characters. His life is sordid and a little sad, so hang in there for the life and times of Paladin.
1978
Paladin first hit the scene in 1978 where he went against a young Daredevil. This was an important time in the life of the young mercenary. Unfortunately Daredevil was on the path to success, and Paladin simply wasn’t. The Purple Man was the villain and Paladin was the hero, Daredevil was nothing but an unwitting accomplice to Paladin’s downfall.
You see, The Purple Man was connected, and Paladin was, in a word, a loser. You see only loser characters barge into conflict without figuring out who the heroes and villains truly are. So instead of teaming with Daredevil, he ended up getting beaten up by the more popular hero. A trend that would dominate Paladins pathetic life.
Call Me ‘Bitches’
The only thing that Paladin could do well is bed a woman, especially insecure ones who let their husbands beat on them. So it goes without saying that Paladin would date the Wasp. After all there is no bigger loser than Hank Pym so Paladin was an upgrade, plus he didn’t hit her. But he wanted to. Two weeks into the relationship Paladin called Hank Pym and said that he completely understood why he beat her and that it took everything he had not to do the same.
Paladin also had issues with the Black Knight because he too had a thing for Janet Van Dyne. It was the Black Knight that first introduced Paladin to crack cocaine. The Black Knight and Paladin both partied a lot because they were completely useless as heroes. Black Knight had accepted his role as a useless moron years ago, and used his status as a ‘hero’ to score women and drugs. Paladin thought this was cool and embraced the lifestyle.
Silver Sable
By 1982 Paladin had hit rock bottom. The Wasp had left him because physical abuse at the hands of Hank Pym seemed more appealing than constantly contracting syphilis. One day Paladin was lying in a gutter snorting powdered sugar hoping it was actually coke when Silver Sable tossed some garbage on him. He made a fuss and Silver Sable felt a little guilty so she offered him a job.
Silver Sable wanted the mission she sent him on to actually succeed so she sent Spider-Man in there with him. The mission was a success despite the fact that Paladin shot himself in the foot more than once. Spider-Man had to carry the imbecile on more than one occasion. Spider-Man was so pissed at Paladin that when the mission was over he punched Silver Sable in the left breast.
Generation X
It’s the 90’s now and that means it’s the generation of the X-Men. They threw the best parties so of course Paladin was there. At one particular party he caught the eye of a very young girl named Jubilation Lee. Jubilee liked Paladin right back and they were thick as thieves despite the disapproval of just about everybody.
The truth was that Paladin was a bastard and only hung out with Jubilee to get his hands on a sword. The sword was important because it turned butter into crack and Paladin just had to have it. He got the sword and proceeded to burn his bridges with the X-Men and Jubilee forever.
The next six years are a blur as Paladin inexplicably goes on a crime spree where he steals gallons of tubs of butter.
The Heroes for Hire
Luke Luke Cage was called by Daredevil after he found Paladin trying to turn I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter into crack. Paladin was in tears licking the faux butter off the time of the sword which was now black from overuse. It was apparent that Paladin hadn’t eaten in weeks and reeked of urine. As Daredevil watched from a nearby rooftop, another homeless guy came over and pissed on Paladin, who in his current state of mental oblivion allowed it to happen.
Luke Cage and Danny Rand owed Daredevil a favor so they took him on as a member of Heroes for Hire. Misty Knight had reservations about Paladins membership but that didn’t stop her from having a threesome with he and Colleen Wing and a kilo. It was around this time that the Government approached Paladin and basically asked him to betray everyone he has ever been allied with. At first he declined but when he was presented with a crack rock the size of a disco ball he agreed readily.
As a member of Heroes for Hire he almost captured Captain America for the government and later put Daredevil in the hospital so he could be arrested. Paladin was always a drug addled waste of space, but now he was a crack addicted ass, which is way worse.
Norman Osborn comes calling
In a nutshell both of them have addiction problems. Norman offers to help Paladin kick and Paladin agrees. He becomes a member of the Thunderbolts. Not the cool team from the 90’s, this is the villainous team from the 2000’s. While technically clean from all drugs, Paladin is the world’s biggest idiot because he works for the wrong guy. His latest boneheaded move was allowing Elektra to escape custody. He is still currently employed by Norman Osborn.
