How are you folks doing? It’s the Henchman here and it’s time to talk about mutants. Did you know there are a bunch of dorks out there calling themselves New Mutants. Much like the New Warriors these geniuses didn’t really put much thought into the name. Those little mutant bastards had better count themselves lucky that I’ve never had to come after them, because I could totally take these twerps. At least, I think I could take em’. Looking at it again, these guys a pretty tough.
Wolfsbane
This chick can turn into a dog, big deal, having survived multiple attacks from the Jokers hyena’s I ain’t afraid of no stinkin’ dog, even one that talks. How do I take her out? Simple I’ll sneak into the X-Mansion armed with nothing more than doggy treats and a couple of steaks. As soon as she smells the dog biscuits and deer urine I’ve sprayed myself with she’ll come a runnin’.
Will there be a big fight? Nope. Will it be violent? Not really. It will be over in a minute because I poisoned the steaks!
Sunspot
I hate strong dudes, mostly because they’re really freaking strong, and I’m not. I guess I could take HGH or something like Captain America but that wouldn’t get me far. The trick is to trick him into putting himself in a compromising position; it’s too bad I don’t know many attractive hookers. Ugly ones I got by the butt load, but hot ones… eh. No, a baby trapped under a burning car will have to do. Don’t ask how I got my cousin to let me babysit the kid, or where I found the asbestos jumper the little runt is wearing but the car fire went up right away.
Once he lifts the car over his head to save the baby I’ll put him out with a fire extinguisher! Oh crap, where’s the baby?!?!?
Cannonball
Oh look at me, I can fly! Big freakin whoop pal. He’s just lucky that I can’t convince the Tinkerer to make me a giant flyswatter. This guy is a country bumpkin that doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground, this will be easy. Or will it? From what I hear this guy is supposed to be immortal so my plan to just shoot him in the face before he can fly away may not work. I also thought about painting the side of a building to look like the open sky but apparently he generates a force field which would protect him.
This is a long shot, but I think I’ll tie a noose around his neck while he’s sleeping and then set his feet on fire… yeah, that would work…
Mirage
The injun doesn’t have her mutant powers anymore so this is a no brainer. I’ll just beat her to within an inch of her life. Since I’ve got the time to explain it let me point out that she stopped being a woman the moment she became a damn mutant, powers or no powers she’s an opponent, therefore giving me the right, as a henchman, to accost her physically.
So yeah, I would simply beat the living day lights out of Mirage.
Karma
Karma might be able to control your body somehow, but she has to see you coming. It’s a good thing I’m so sneaky. I’ll move in with a couple of ‘friends’ as bait, when she takes control of them I’ll move in taking a page from the Jokers playbook and beat her down with a crow bar. That was how I thought it would go. You see Karma was the first one I went after and I really went after her, crowbar and all.
After she made me beat my friends with the crowbar she made me do 1000 pushups and 1500 sit ups, talking about how fat and loud I was. Little bitch.
Luckily she didn’t even call the cops; she just left me in a sweaty heap. That means that revenge will be mine, just after I do some more sit ups and pushups.
