Man, thanks to the Joker I’ve spent the last few months tucked away at Arkham Asylum. If it weren’t for the Black Mask I would spent another four years there! Have you heard that Batman’s dead? It’s a great time to be a criminal indeed! Now if I could just get Spider-Man back behind bars it would be clear sailing.
While we have this moment I’d like to share a little something with you jerks. Whenever I get around my fellow henchman we always end up talking about the same thing, which cape would win in a fight. It’s not uncommon; those idiots fight each other just as much as they fight us, sometimes at the same time! So, who would win in a fight? Let me set the record straight on a series of match ups.
Batgirl vs. Spoiler
Let’s start with a cat fight first. Batgirl is a scary SOB that doesn’t say much. She likes to speak with her fists which is a language I understand all too well. While on the other hand Spoiler is obviously some punk kid with a brown belt in judo. I heard the original Batgirl had a brown belt in judo and what did it get her? Shot. That’s what.
In a fight it would be no question that Batgirl would wipe the floor with Spoiler, in fact she would beat till she pissed herself. Hell if I had a nickel for every time I soiled myself getting beat up by Batman I’d… wait; did I just say that out loud?
Never mind that, just focus on how Batgirl would beat the living tar out of Spoiler.
Green Lantern vs. Nova
Nova I know a lot about, he used to run with some kids that called themselves the New Warriors, but only because Avengers West Coast was taken. They had a guy on their team named Speedball (I know, I know he must not have ever taken a D.A.R.E. class) who just bounced at you… no really.
Now this Green Lantern guy doesn’t really deal with guys like me, he’s too busy fighting aliens and shit.
Nova is super strong and can fly, pretty tough but nothing Green Lantern hasn’t seen I’m sure. Plus he can make crap with that ring of his from what I hear. Me? I’d make some money with that ring, but I guess that’s why I don’t have one. Could you imagine Batman with one of those, or worse yet Spider-Man?!?!? Brrrrr, I don’t want to think about that.
In a fight to the death I think that GL would win, there’s just too many ways for GL to impale Nova with some crud he cooks up with that fancy pants ring of his.
Spider-Man vs. Blue Beetle
I’ve heard that Maxwell Lord shot the Blue Beetle in the face, now some new asshole is running around as the Blue Beetle. Instead of a bunch of silly gadgets and bad jokes this new guy has some kind of real powers. But that still don’t matter because Spider-Man has seen it all, I should know, I’ve lost more teeth dealing with that little bastard than three Batmen.
Somehow Spider-Man would make Blue Beetle choke on all that webbing he spews everywhere. I mean, how are you supposed to either a) punch a guy or b) run like hell when you stuck to the floor? The lucky thing for this new Blue Beetle is that Spider-Man is such a pansy. Sure he can fight an all, but kill? Not Spider-Man. The only way for Blue Beetle to win in a dust up would be to kill Spidey somehow, and that ain’t happenin, I’ve tried and have the black eye’s to prove it.
Gladiator vs. Superman
Big friggin’ blue, that guy is trouble with a capital Gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that, from what I hear the Rose is… you know). He’s got all kinds of freaky powers, like super hearing, and super breath! Honestly, who needs super breath? I bet there’s a mutant out there right now with super breath and you know what he does? Stays the hell at home and lets people with real powers fight against guys like me.
This Gladiator guy I’ve only seen once, he got his hat handed to him by some chick at the airport, but he was beating up Thor at the time, and I’m pretty sure that Thor can take Superman, if the rumor that Superman can’t take magic is true… So this Gladiator guy could maybe take on Superman. I got a buddy who says he was abducted by aliens and he learned that Gladiator is as strong as he thinks he is or some crap like that. I don’t know what in the hell that even means but I think Super dork has a bigger ego than anyone so that would include this Gladiator guy as well. Apparently all you have to do is bruise his ego and it’s win win.
So Supes makes fun of his stupid looking Mohawk and then creams him, end of story. Plus can Gladiator shoot laser beams out of his friggin eyes?!?!? I thought not.
Well, that’s all I have time for today, gotta get some sleep, I got work with the Kingpin and he needs us to… well that’s a secret. So unless the Punisher shows up, I’ll see you guys next week!
Remember kids, if you have a question for the Henchman sned them in to
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