By The Henchman
Hello fellow criminals, it’s the Henchman again with another Do It Yourself segment that will prepare you for a life of crime. Throughout you’re ‘henching’ career you’re going to run across several ‘hero’ types that want nothing more than to beat you senseless and toss you in jail. Is it your fault your boss was building a small nuclear weapon? Well yeah, but that’s not the point! The point is we all have to make a living somehow and some of us make our living working for the Dr. Doom’s of the world. The following is a list of weapons that you never want to come across and should avoid at all costs.
Captain America’s shield.
So there’s this guy see, who runs around draped in the American flag carrying nothing but a shield and a shit eating grin. Get this, on top of all that he actually calls himself Captain America (what a butt pirate)! You can stop laughing because this 6 ft. plus jerk off is hopped up on the finest steroids government money can buy. Not only that but that rinky dink shield is completely indestructible.
To top that off Captain America likes to throw his shield at people like me. Impossible as that sounds it gets worse, not only does the shield return to him once he’s thrown it, but the damn thing hits you harder than Spider-Man’s punches. Many nights have I lied on a warehouse floor with a bunch of my fellows barely conscious because Cap decided to throw his shield at a room full of us guys before chasing down our boss the Red Skull.
Escape Plan: Play dead then run like hell, it’s either that our burn to death in the inevitable warehouse fire.
Green Lantern’s Ring.
The next weapon you should look out for is a small green ring, used by a guy called the Green Lantern. I know, what do a ring and a lantern have in common? Well why don’t you ask one of them yourself the next time you botch a bank robbery. Oh yeah, there are more than one Green Lantern, in fact there’s a whole army of them. Each one uses the ring differently, and even I must admit, it’s pretty cool to see up close and personal. That is until they set their sights on you.
Trust me, you know you’re in for it when a translucent green ram (and I do mean the animal) bursts through the wall of your hideout. That’s right junior, the ring can make whatever the wearer wishes and then some. Exactly! How come he doesn’t make three green babes and a case of green brew? That’s what we would do. But nooo, instead these assholes make things like giant bats to beat us with, and then scoop us up in giant butterfly nets for the cops.
Escape Plan: None, if Green Lantern shows up you’re as good as caught.
Another Improbable weapon that we fear is a unique gadget made by our worst nightmare, The Batman. Out of all his crap, from gas pellets to shark repellant spray, the one weapon we hate the most is the Batarang. That’s not even a real word, but never the less it really really hurts. Personally I think he’s going a little over board with his ‘Bat’ tools. If he needs to sew does he pull out a ‘bat’ needle and ‘bat’ thread? Honestly.
The batarang comes in all shapes and sizes, the smallest ones he tosses in bunches like ninja stars. The biggest one is computerized and can be programmed to take out multiple targets. So, pick your poison, do you want him to almost put an eye out with a little tiny batarang or do you want to run screaming through the night being chased by one. Either way there will be plenty of screaming involved.
Escape plan: None, if you don’t fight for your life the Joker will shoot you
This next weapon is a testament to how unfair our lives as henchmen can be. You’d figure a hammer would be a so-so weapon, and useless in a gun fight to be certain, but this guy Thor doesn’t have just any Hammer, he’s got a friggin’ mallet, and when he spins it the damn thing can block bullets! Just like his buddy Cap, he likes to throw his hammer at people too. And of course the damn thing comes back to him just like Cap.
What really kills me is this guy Thor can juggle cars, but yet and still he throws hammers at people. Never mind that I just shot someone, I totally didn’t deserve that concussion. Did I mention that his skin is so thick that he’s virtually bullet proof? Yeah I know it keeps getting better and better. Next thing you know I’ll be telling you that the hammer shoots lightning or something, well guess what? It totally does.
Escape Plan: Play dead then run like hell, and in the future don’t take jobs from a guy named Loki.
Spider-Man’s web shooters.
The final weapon you should be on the lookout for sucks the most. It’s relatively painless and disappears in about an hour or so, but the damage it does to my pride is something that I’ll never heal. I’m talking about webbing, that gooey, sticky crap that Spider-Man squirts on everyone as if we were in a sick and twisted snuff film.
Not only can thins ass munch dodge bullets, but he can stick our shooters to the floor, wall, hell he’ll stick them to each other as well. Imagine waking up hanging from a light pole with a bunch of cops staring up at you. As if that weren’t insulting enough, the prick actually leaves a nice note typically taped to your forehead. My big question is this: Does he really run around with scotch tape wherever he goes?
Spider-Man is super strong and super fast and short, which equals a hardy ass kicking and then the embarrassing ‘web up’, by far the most humiliating way for a henchman to go out. And this is one superhero that makes sure every henchmen in the room has been taken care of… with webbing (excuse me while I cringe uncontrollably).
Escape Plan: None, once he’s webbed ya, that’s pretty much it.