Superhero Diaries: Cyclops

 

I hope you guys won’t think I’m a dick for bragging a bit, but the Scooter Summers ship has come in BIG time, bros.

I’m so pumped I don’t even know where to start. I suppose I could begin with this morning, when I woke up and the first thing I see is my model-HAWT g-friend. Though tapping fine ass is nothing new for me: I’m always hooking up with the hottest mutant babes, because they all know that I’m the shizznit. 

My last girlfriend, Jean, was not only crazy hot but an absolute freak in the sack. I found out later that it was because sometimes she was possessed by the galactic super force known as The Phoenix (who had this wicked S&M kick) and other times she was replaced by a doppelganger (who was down to “experiment”, if you know what I mean.) 

Jean died a while back. Actually, it was like the fourth time she’d died, but she always came back. It sounds like it would be cool, but trust me, it had its downside. I’d be all sad at first, right? But just when Angel or Iceman would call me up and go, “Yo, Cyke, we got a keg tonight, and we’re having some ladies over. It’s going to rage, dude,” sure enough she’d come back to life before I even had a chance to scam. It totally blew. Then she’d be like, “No, I can’t have sex, I just came back from the dead,” and she’d keep that up for months, even though I was like, “whatever, it’s just reincarnation - it’s not like it’s your period or anything.”

The last time Jean died it was for serious, and while I don’t mean to be a dick, it was about time. I mean, she kept coming back because of me, but I was ready to move on, y’know? I can’t be tied down. In fact, I had already started hooking up with Emma Frost, the White Queen. Two words: total MILF.  She actually used to be one of our worst enemies, but I’m such the bomb in bed that I turned her GOOD. Don’t be jealous. 

Anyway, this morning she was wearing this sexy white bra and panties thing – straight Victoria’s Secret.  I love that outfit. Sometimes she’s like, “Y’know, it’s not comfortable to sleep that way,” but them I’m like, “Well, it doesn’t matter – you have to do what I say, because I’m the leader of the X-men.” Holla!

That’s right: Professor X (aka Oldy McOlderson) retired, and I’m taking over. Okay, okay. Truthfully, when I say “retired” I really mean, “got shot in the face,” but whatever – the point is that he should have retired a long time ago.  Brah was old.  When Professor X got shot, I almost shouted out, “You’re my boy, Blue!” (Old School FTW!)

I’m not even being a dick though, because he’s alright. In fact, Professor X is the luckiest dude of all time. In the time I’ve known him he’s come back from the dead four or five times and stopped being a paraplegic. I guess he didn’t get off scott-free: he can’t read minds anymore. But still: boo-hoo.

Now the Prof’s gone to wander around and try to rediscover his powers. (Or maybe the old man just forgot where he lived – LOL!) Whatever the reason, it’s like my parents left town, and we’re going to throwing house parties every night. Seriously, you guys should come hang out – it’s going to be sick. 

Some of you who haven’t read the Cy-Blog before probably are like, “Man, Cyclops, I always thought you were a total douche!  Since when are you so chill?”  Answer: since always. I know how to keep it real. True, a lot of times I had to act like a d-bag, and be like, “yes, Professor…right away, Professor,” but you would have done the same thing too if your boss could read minds. If I didn’t have the Professor’s breakfast waiting for him in the morning, he would have found out I was crazy hungover after spending all night pounding brewskis with Iceman. (Lucky for me he couldn’t see my eyes. Not only does my visor keep my deadly eye-beams from destroying everything I look at, but I also never need Visine.) 

It’s just been a couple weeks, and I’m already the dopest leader the X-men ever had. Check out my sitch - when I took over the X-men, we didn’t look like a superhero crimefighting team; we looked like a summer camp for circus freaks. We just had way too many members. I know I make a lot of jokes about the Professor being old, but seriously, I think he had a touch of the Alzheimer’s. A lot of the kids in our last few classes weren’t even mutants; they either had a really big birthmark or knew a good trick. At one point we had four different members who could twirl a pencil around their finger. I mean, it looks totally hard, but that doesn’t mean it’s a mutation, y’know? When Prof X was in charge, half the time I didn’t know if we were going to fight Magneto or get the early bird special at Denny’s.  (Total burn!)

Now I’ve made some cuts, and now the X-men are once again the shizz. I’m taking us Old School (best move EVER): it’s me, Beast, Wolverine, Angel and Storm, along with Emma and this little Japanese girl. I can’t really remember her name or what she does, but Beast asked me to keep her on the team, so whatever. He’s got this weird thing for Japanese chicks, but I figure it’s cool: she thinks he’s a Pokemon or something. 

I’ve also got this new group of new X-men. I just have to think of a name for them; I’ve been calling them the “Young X-men”, but that makes me sound old, and I still party. In fact, sometimes it sucks that I have to be all for serious with them. Like there’s this one student we call, “Ink,” because he has powers according to whatever he gets tattooed on himself. (For instance, he has a biohazard symbol tattooed on his hand, and anyone he touches with it gets super sick – like, Jaeger and tequila sick.) And I know I’m supposed to be all, “son, you must use your powers for the good of mankind, blah blah blah, look at me, I’m just like Professor Buzzkill” but really, I just want to start experimenting with him. Like if I take a sharpie and write ATM on his face, will he start puking money? Or what if I drew a weed leaf on his forehead - what if his hair started growing weed!? How rad would that be???   It wouldn’t even be a problem, because we live in San Francisco now, and they’re down with pot.

Yeah, that’s the other great thing I got going for us. I got us a SWEET setup in San Fran. The Mayor hooked us up with a house after we saved her life, plus some political group gave us a flying car. I haven’t paid a lot of attention to what the group is all about, so it’s possible that I’m flying around with “I heart Sodomy” on the bottom of my car, but what do I care? The ladies know how I roll, and plus, I have a flying car and the SFPD doesn’t. I can drive as hammered as I want. I’m going to get that thing blinged out it a couple months and then I want to see if I can get on MTV Cribs.

I’ve also made some changes to our outfits. All those years I spent polishing Professor X’s head, I never asked why we wore those goofy costumes. It sucks having to go fight evil when you know you look totally gay. I don’t even mean that to be mean to gay people. I mean, we actually looked like we were gay.  I know that because we live near the Castro now, and whenever we would go outside, dudes thought we were like “Village People: The Sequel.” Some guy mistook Storm for RuPaul, and she cried for days, (though I have to admit, that was hilarious.) Now that I’m in charge, we go out in cargo pants, vests, t-shirts… we’re rocking some Abercrombie and Fitch stee-loz.

So as you can see, I’ve really kicked the X-men up a notch, though I’m actually thinking about changing the name, too. The X is always going to remind people of Professor Xavier, even though he’s the EX-leader. (Oooh, double burn!) What do you guys think of “C-men?” Y’know, like Cyclops. Wait. Actually, now that I think about it, when evil doers shout, “Look out, here comes the C-men!” it could end up badly :)

 

I’ll let you know how it goes,

 

C-Clops