By Dante' Maddox

With Brand New Day in full swing Spidey is having a great start to 2008, but that doesn’t mean that our favorite web slinger is outside the eye of suspicion. With his world being turned upside down by Mephisto it would seem that Spider-Man can’t be a part of the whole invasion, but we here at CraveOnline know better, so now without further ado, we’ll show you the:

Five reasons why Spider-Man is a Spider-Skrull!

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1. His aunt is immortal.
2. He’s always whining about his hot wife.
3. He likes alien costumes.
4. He tells the world his greatest secret because a jackass told him to.
5. Dammit it just makes sense.

Spider-Man has always had an ally, his dear old aunt May, who has been dear and old since the early 1960’s. Just how old is that broad by now? 95? 142? It’s anyone’s guess by this point as aunt May has survived several wars and countless presidents. It’s a wonder that the other heroes in the Marvel Universe haven’t already started asking Spider-Man about his seemingly ageless aunt, who has managed to maintain the same age despite her nephew graduating high school, going to college, getting married, and her own apparent death.


Oh so you just leave your shit  anywhere, is that it?!?!

All this leads to one conclusion, both Peter and May are Skrulls. How else would you explain it, only a Skrull shape shifter could impersonate an old person for that long without, I don’t know, dying? Plus, she never really liked MJ anyway.

Skrulls aren’t attracted to human women, which would explain a lot of Peter’s constant bitching over the years. Heck Wolverine had to ask Peter if he was gay several times because of how much attention Peter didn’t pay to his hot supermodel wife. Really Peter? Your smoking hot wife couldn’t convince you to retire? Nope, Parker always had better things to do than spend time with his wife, “Sorry MJ I can’t console you after you lost your job, I’m sure there’s a burning building somewhere and even though New York has enough super powered people to populate all of Rhode Island that building is my f**kin’ turf!” And with that he’s off.


Hey! Get of your knee's right now or I'll pop ya!

MJ might have questioned that, but how many girls did she know who had superhero boyfriends or husbands, hmm oh yeah she knew all of Peter’s ex’s instead. Most of those ho’s had powers so Peter’s Skrull ass couldn’t ditch them. Ever wonder why Spidey never took one look at the Black Cat and got some rooftop nookie (because man, who wouldn’t, she would totally be down)? Well now you know the truth, he’s into aliens.

Skrulls are probably familiar with symbiotes with them both being from outer space. Getting an alien companion must have been a god send for Skrull Parker at first, but after a while it figures that the alien costume would get tired of waiting for Brian Michael Bendis to get the show on the road and wanted to start taking people over right away. Because the alien costume would have blown his cover, Skrull Peter took the suit ‘out for the day’ to his Skrull brothers the Skrulltastic Four.


Hey guys! Check out this sweet suit... uh guys?!?!?

Remember the suit itself can’t talk, so it wasn’t like the suit could shake its fist at Peter and say, “I’ll get you, you Skrull muthaf**ka!!!”. No, instead the suit found a dummy named Eddie Brock, a guy so stupid he would allow some alien suit to play jealous lover and ruin his life in the process. Since Peter seems to really be into his clothes, it was only a matter of time before the biggest dick in Marvel would set his sights on the biggest pussy.

That’s right, I called Spider-Skrull a puss, because only a douche would allow the biggest jerk he knew, one Mr. Tony Stark to convince him to give up his most important and therefore not very well guarded (go figure) secret: The fact that his earth name is Peter Parker. It was a bad idea from the start, since the press put two and two together and realized that he was married to Mary Jane. The questions about his apparent homosexuality were forthcoming and non stop.

Tony promised I'd look less gay in this... whatta prick.

He started having sex with her more than ever just to quell the rumors, but MJ wasn’t buying it. Drastic measures had to be taken. Did you really think that Mephisto just came out of nowhere because he happened to be tuned into the Spidey Channel? No, Mephisto wouldn’t bother with some simple crap like that, what you saw was a Skrull Mephisto clone that simply helped Peter keep his aunt May secret and kidnap the real MJ, replacing her with a superhero Skrull version bent on world domination. Doesn’t that just make more sense?

Spider-Man has been replaced by clones, fought countless alien symbiotes and has even gone around wearing four different costumes just to throw people off of the trail. Hands down Spider-Man is a Spider-Skrull, and now that he has a Skrull girlfriend named Jackpot the rest of the world beware. Soon he’s going to set his sites on the innocent, attacking with webbing out of the shadows, screaming, “I’M NOT GAY!!!!!!” the whole time.