By Dante Maddox

Welcome back to week two of our Secret Invasion special. Last week I proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Wolverine is a Skrull (it’s true!) and now this week I’ll set my sights on none other than Iron Man.

Tony has had a breakout year and has even turned me around after years of not really caring for the character. Even if he isn’t necessarily the ‘white hat’ version of Dr. Doom that he used to be, any book he’s in is a better read because of it. Looking like the most central figure in the upcoming invasion so far, its obvious to me that he just has to be a Skrull…

Here are the top five reasons Iron Man is an Iron Skrull.

---

1. He’s a drunk.

2. He was abducted already.

3. He died!

4. He’s a giant douche.

5. Dammit it just makes sense!

If you were a Skrull and wanted to send an invader in to take your human enemies unawares who better than a fall down drunk to impersonate. Every time Tony Stark does something stupid, or shady you can always say, “Well, he’s a boozer, what do you expect?” At Cap’s funeral, all Tony could say was, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” which really meant, “The Red Skull wasn’t supposed to kill my Skrull brother Captain America impersonator, not after I lined up all those hookers and blow.” It’s too easy to be a playboy; all you have to do is spend money and act an ass. The Skrulls must have just watched TMZ for three weeks in order to get Tony Stark down. Never mind that they had the real Stark to study.


Shit! I killed that Electra Skrull Hooker! Now What?

So let me get this straight, you have Tony Stark without his suit making him a powerless rich chump, Xavier (mutant mind master), Namor (Marvel’s better version of Aquaman), Black Bolt (death whisperer), Dr. Strange (Gandolf and Merlin’s creepy love child) and Mr. Fantastic (forget it) all captured by the Skrulls, and the only guy to get free is Tony Stark? Seriously, we see Dr. Strange making it rain (rain!) on Namor’s head, but that genius can’t use his magic who-doo to pick a lock? No, Tony never left the Skrull’s, he’s still locked in cell with Elvis Pressley, Jimmy Hoffa and the real Michael Jackson (oh c’mon you know that ain’t the real Michael Jackson). Either that or Franklin Richards has a secret he needs to share.

Waitaminute! Tony died! More to the point, there was a two year crap fest where we saw present day crazy Tony against a younger teen aged version of himself. The present day Tony sacrifices his life (which must be an easier choice when you think about it, considering that it’s written in your contract that you can’t be killed permanently. Hell with that kind of guarantee, one could sacrifice him or herself three times a week!) in order to save everyone from whatever was certainly about to kill them that time. The younger Stark took up being Iron Man only to be ‘killed’ by Onslaught anywhere between 2 weeks to thirty years later Marvel Time. Oh no, that’s not the end of it.


Franklin Richard also goes by 'Our Lord' or 'he who is called I Am!'

Apparently Franklin Richards was keenly aware of all the issues surrounding Tony Stark as compared to all the other heroes that died fighting Onslaught. Ya see the Richards boy stored all the heroes and put them in a pocket universe (Yes, Marvel has proved it, if a guy that stretches has sex with a girl that turns invisible nothing less than a god who has control over life and death is produced) where they would live for a time. Since all the inhabitants of this pocket universe are based on Franklin’s memories of the various heroes, something has to be said about the kids (and I mean kid, he’s barely older than a toddler) Iron Man knowledge, since he manages to age Tony Stark back to adulthood, or should I say ‘to’ considering that this version of Tony was already at his natural age. Not only that, but when Tony came back to the real world as an adult, he had all the memories of his kid self, and of the adult version of himself he never actually was, wow that kid is awesome. Too bad he forgot to take the stick out of Tony’s ass when he fixed his heart to boot.

Throughout his entire career Tony has struggled with douche baggery, and now we know why. Being a jerk is the perfect cover for a Skrull. If it isn’t faking his own death, or murdering innocent people Tony’s ability to piss people off is his true super power. In his career he has attacked members of S.H.I.E.L.D., picked fights with close friends, and shown up to more events drunk than a Nick Nolte press junket tour. He evn helped to paint Captain America as public enemy number one, how much worse can it get? Oh I know, how about ingesting a harmful virus in order to selfishly save your own life only for that virus to be the doorway for even more harmful things to threaten humanity, way to go Tony! Who needs super villains when your heroes can turn into ‘helpless’ villains at random? All this leads to one conclusion.


"Dude! You totally blinked, Iron Man wins again!"

It just makes sense that Tony is a Skrull, and he’s keeping all the Skrulls in line for the big invasion. He’s the head of the number one police unit in the world, head of the number one super team on the planet, and he knows the secret ID’s of all the registered super heroes. Not only that, but the whole fifty state initiative was his idea. Is there really a need for a super team in Nebraska (jaywalkers beware!)? Not likely, but there would be if you were planning an invasion!