With the recent attack on Latveria by Morgana Le Fay, the PR people for Dr. Doom invited us out to Latveria for a quick Q and A to let people know that Doom was indeed still in charge of his country. We thought it was going to be a roundtable discussion, but we quickly found that we were the only news outlet willing to sacrifice our employees to what could be almost certain death.
This is the interview that our brave and intrepid news team got back to us before communication was lost:
Crave Online: So how are things going in the land of Latveria? To be honest we here at Crave Online know little about your country.
Dr. Doom: Things are going splendidly. What, that little incident with Morgana Le Fay? That was no big deal; she and I used to have a thing, and she took it hard when I broke it off. That’s the last time I ever date an Arthurian Sorceress; she was a total WITCH, if you know what I mean.
To be honest, my kingdom gets leveled every six months or so. Usually it’s my fault. (A doctor once told me I had “bipolar disorder.” I thought he was making a battery joke and I disintegrated him.) I’m just glad I don’t have to send a bunch of apology letters this time.
It’s a shame that Latveria only gets such negative publicity. In truth, Latveria is a wonderful country, perfect for anyone looking for a relaxing Eastern Bloc getaway. Our citizens are friendly, salt of the earth types, always happy to help a foreigner who might be able to smuggle them out of the country. Modern chefs around the world are starting to experiment with the unique qualities of Latverian cuisine, which will give you a whole new appreciation for radishes. Best of all, Latveria is ideal for travelers in this economy, as the dollar is currently worth $1,437,298 DoomBucks.
Crave Online: We recently got word that you flash fried the King of Wakanda (the internet these days) is that true?
Dr. Doom: Well, I don’t like to toot my own horn, but… [Doom presses button on wrist console. From speakers in his chest, synthesized trumpets play “La Cucaracha.”] It is true! Victor Von Doom once again smites his enemies, proving it always to be unwise to provoke the ire of Doom! Truly, I am a walking, talking, can of Whoop-Ass that opened itself upon him!
Crave Online: Is that how you settle all your diplomatic disputes?
Dr. Doom: No. In fact, I rarely have to resort to Doom Bots. Typically my diplomatic problems can be solved with a simple embargo or tariffs. [Doom holds up his two fists, where we can see he has spray-painted “embargo” and “tariffs."] Pray I’m never forced to use “Defcon Five." [Doom nods his head towards his groin.]
Crave Online: Is your ‘hands on approach’ the reason you’re no longer invited to UN assemblies?
Dr. Doom: I’m not invited to the U.N. anymore??? Oh, that sucks! I was going to meet Obama. That's so unfair!
Crave Online: Are you worried that our new ‘Top Cop’ Norman Osborn might hunt you down?
Dr, Doom: Hah! Dr. Doom fears nothing! Did you forget that we just talked about how I beat up the Black Panther? If I can take him, I’m certainly not going to rust my panties over the Green Goblin in secondhand Iron Man armor. Besides, Osborn and I have an… arrangement.
Crave Online: So the rumors are true??? You heard it here first, folks, at Crave Onli-
Dr. Doom: Wait, what? What rumors?
Crave Online: You know… that you and Osborn… y’know…
Dr. Doom: DOOM IS SURE THAT HE DOES NOT KNOW! ANSWER, PEASANT!
Crave Online: Well, during your fight with Morgana, surveillance satellites captured photos of you being carried away in Osborn’s arms. Some might even say he was cradling you, like a newlywed husband carrying his bride.
Dr. Doom: Oh my god…
Crave Online: Captain America has been quoted joking, “what two consenting robots do in a seedy all-night car wash that rents by the hour is their business.” She-Hulk wants to know which of you is the “cord” and which is the “outlet.” Larry Flynt’s company is now offering vibrators with each of your likenesses, sold in a matched pair.
Dr. Doom: This isn’t happening… this isn’t happening…
Crave Online: So it’s not true?
Dr. Doom: No! These photos are, uh… a lie! They’re phonies! Anyone with Photoshop could have made those! You say another word and I will embargo the s#@t out of you!!! We’re JUST FRIENDS!
Crave Online: Take it easy, Doctor. Why don’t we move on? It’s rumored that you were recently incarcerated at the Raft, is that true?
Dr. Doom: You’ve heard a lot of rumors, you know that? If I say yes, does that mean I “dropped the WD-40” in a cell with Doctor Octopus?
As for these “rumors”, my lawyers have instructed me to remain silent, but if I was ALLEGEDLY incarcerated for some ALLEGED war crimes, I believe it is more of a result of the United States’ repeated violations and racial stereotyping against gypsies such as myself. You would not believe the injustices I am forced to endure. Do you know that if I try and get on an airplane, your security personnel prohibit me from boarding unless I disrobe? It is humiliating!
Crave Online: I believe that is because you wear a suit of armor.
Dr. Doom: Whatever, racist. That’s just what they want you to think.
Crave Online: According to our reports in the Midwest the Asgardians are considering moving to Latveria, can you confirm these claims?
Dr. Doom: Not only can I confirm them, but I am proud to announce that in May 2010, Latveria will open the world’s very first polytheistic theme park: Asgardland! Fun for the whole family! Kids will love climbing Yggdrasil the world tree, or exploring Blind Baldur’s Cave, and there will be nightly showings of Ragg’naroq, the newest from Cirque Du Soleil!
Crave Online: Here are some questions from our readers: What’s your favorite color?
Dr. Doom: Anything reflective.
Crave Online: What do you think of the Jonas Brothers playing a free show for the children of Latveria?
Dr. Doom: I - I mean, THEY would prefer Hanna Montana.
Crave Online: Who are your top five MC’s?
Dr. Doom: Kool Moe Dee, Tone Loc, Run DMC, De La Soul and The Beastie Boys. You thought I was going to say MF Doom, didn’t you? Not until I see my royalty checks. Plus, I’m old school. Remember: I go to the Dark ages when I want to get laid.
Crave Online: You’ve tried to kill Reed Richards and his entire family on several occasions, is it really that hard?
Dr. Doom: Yes, as it turns out, it IS that hard. He’s Reed Effing Richards!! Why don’t you ask how all that failure might be affecting me, instead? I’m obsessed with them. I have a dream journal by the side of my bed in case I think of some new way of killing them in my sleep. My friends say I need a hobby, but no matter what I do, it’s like they’re there. I used to love cooking, but now I burn a dish and it’s like Johnny Storm has thwarted me again. The smell of latex makes me so depressed that I won’t leave the house for days.
Crave Online: What kind of Doctor are you actually?
Dr. Doom: I have doctorates in philosophy, magic and engineering from Latveria State University. Gooooooo Fighting Cyborgs!
Crave Online: It’s rumored that Dr. Strange is looking for a new Sorcerer Supreme, could that be you?
Dr. Doom: I don’t know. I heard that I was being considered, but it sets a bad precedent, doesn’t it? I mean, he’s Doctor Strange, I’m Doctor Doom… Does that mean the next Sorcerer Supreme would have to be named Doctor Ominous? It’s like how Nazi movies always win the Oscars now – it takes all the fun out of it. I don’t know… I’m trying not to get my hopes up. It’s an honor just to be nominated.
Crave Online: Just a couple more questions. What are the chances of us leaving here alive?
Dr. Doom: Swell, as long as you’re not allergic to plasma cannons. No man learns of Doom’s dream journal and lives.
Crave Online: Well, then I guess there’s no harm in asking the one question we’ve always wondered about: how do you go to the bathroom in all that get up?
Dr. Doom: I have a pit crew. Now, if we’re all done here… [there is a faint high-pitched whining sound, like that of a battery charging.]
