I've been trapped on this island for weeks now, maybe even months. It was perhaps not the greatest of ideas for a group of beautiful young people to vacation to a seemingly deserted island filled with incredibly dangerous wildlife, but YOLO, right? Predictably, we were captured by a group of pirates led by a guy named Vaas, who is so powerful that he can have a mohawk without anyone laughing at him.
Vaas killed my archetypal action hero of a brother, Grant, but then allowed me time to escape for some reason, which led me to Dennis Rogers, my tour guide of sorts who informed me that the island's natives, the Rakiyat, are being forced out of their homes by the pirates and that I must help them. Then my left arm started creating its own tattoos, which I was far less concerned about than I perhaps should have been.
After quickly coming to terms with an invisible omnipresent being carving permanent pictures onto one of my limbs every time I killed a few people, I decided that I'd drop all of the responsibilities that had been bestowed upon me in order to get into a jeep and run over a few goats. Since coming to the island I have not only became a killing machine, but I'm also apparently pretty good with a sewing kit, too, as all it takes me is the merciless slaughtering and skinning of the island's resident animals to craft a rather fetching wallet.
The only context I have been given regarding the people I meet on the island is through a nifty little device I carry around with me, with information being consistently fed to me via an unknown source who, worryingly, seems to know more about my loved ones than I do. For instance, upon rescuing a girl named Liza from a burning building, it wasn't until I checked the all-knowing device that I discovered that she was in fact my girlfriend! Crazy, huh? I'm pretty certain that's not how relationships are supposed to work, but she looks a little bit like Mila Kunis and the only other females on this island are Grant's girlfriend, Rakiyat natives who spend the majority of their time hopping around in the grass like idiots, and the old woman with the nondescript accent who runs the gun shop, so I think I'm just going to roll with it.
After rescuing Liza I decided that I needed a "Heavy Duty" wallet to carry all of my cash in, but in order to create it I needed two shark skins. I'm pretty certain that I could create a substantially sized wallet using a few leaves, or at the very least just shove the cash into my pockets, but nope, apparently the most logical way to get a new wallet on a tropical island is to kill a couple of sharks.
So, armed with my sniper rifle, I took a boat out into the middle of shark-infested waters, hoping to pick one off quietly without attracting the attention of the enemy patrol boats that routinely circle the island. After successfully managing to headshot a bull shark, I jumped into the water and hurriedly swam towards it as it sank deeper towards the ocean floor. As I struggled to hold my breath, I finally managed to dig my knife into its carcass and remove some of its valuable flesh, surfacing just before my lungs gave out. Unfortunately, as I popped my head above water I noticed that I had swam directly into the path of an enemy boat. They spotted me, shooting at me using a mounted machine gun as I dipped below the water in order to evade the bullets. However, all of this excitement had led me to forget that "shark-infested" generally means "more than one shark," as another bull shark swiftly approached me from out of the distance.
Forced to act quickly, I climbed onto the enemy boat, wildly thrusting at them with my combat knife until they fell to the floor, dead. After taking a second to compose myself, I then proceeded to kill and skin the shark who no less than a minute ago had been pursuing me, before finally crafting my wallet.
Everyone is in danger on the island, even the pirates. The longer I have been here the more I have learnt about them. I have fallen to their strengths and exposed their weaknesses, and as I continue to diminish their power over the Rakiyat, I'm growing more and more skilled at taking over their outposts.
The pirates use their outposts to control portions of the island. Each outpost has alarms that they will sound if they detect me. The sounding of an alarm brings with it reinforcements, so taking out the pirates discreetly is always the preferable option. A few days ago I was scouting out such an outpost, when I noticed that inside it was a bear trapped inside a rather primitive bamboo cage (I can only assume that the reason why the bear hadn't escaped from the bamboo cage prior to me showing up was because it was polite). Once again, arming my trusty sniper rifle, I shot the door of the cage from off of its hinges, and watched as the bear proceeded to maul every guard until there were none left standing. I then hopped into a car and pursued the bear, running over it before cutting off its skin. You can't afford to make friends with bears on this island.
This island is as dangerous as it is beautiful. One minute you can be pleasantly chasing goats around with a knife, the next you're punching a bull shark in the head as it sinks its teeth into your arm. During my time on the island I've experienced my fair share of ups (I apparently have a girlfriend now, yay!) and downs (my brother's dead), but I wouldn't change it for the world.
Actually, I'd probably change the fact that my brother's dead, and I'd probably stop God from doodling on my arm, but you know what I mean.
Paul Tamburro is the UK Editor of Crave Online. Follow him on Twitter @PaulTamburro. He'll be back with more on Far Cry 3 in a full review of the game, coming soon.