The 2017 ‘So, You Screwed Up Mother’s Day’ Gift Guide

You idiot. You're Mother's Day gift was a better fit for a maid or a girlfriend. You need to fix this. Read.

John Scott Lewinskiby John Scott Lewinski

It turns out the Home Meade Brewing Kit and the knock-off stuffed Fidel Castro toy you picked up at a looted gift shop in Venezuela weren’t the Mother’s Day hit you expected. Go figure.

If you gave them to your wife and mother of your child, she’s drawing up divorce papers. If you gave them to your mother, she’s also drawing up divorce papers. She just hasn’t realized you can’t do that with children. Yet.

Also: 2017 Last Minute Mother’s Day Gift Guide

In this post Mother’s Day malaise, we’re here for you again with some better ideas you really should’ve thought of yourself before yesterday. Rush out and snag any of the below, and you can at least save on lawyer’s fees.

Dreamwave Harmony Speaker (top): It’s the artsy look of the Harmony Dreamwave that sets it apart from the countless other Bluetooth speakers on the marker. Available in a selection of colors, the 16 W, rechargeable system offers up to 18 hours play time.

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Guinness Irish Wheat: If the woman in question would like to ease her disappointed nerves or perhaps forget about your Mother’s Day failure for a little while, it’s tough to beat a dollop of Guinness. The Dublin brewer’s latest  offering is lighter and a touch sweeter than its traditional porter stout, but it’s still a proper beer. Guinness doesn’t make hard soda or wine coolers, for Arthur’s sake.

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AXON 7 Mini: Mothers like to keep tabs on their charges. They also like to complain to other mothers and commiserate on what screw-ups the given men in their lives can be. This Axon Mini 7 comes in handy with its 1.5 GHz Octa-Core Qualcomm Snapdragon 617 chip and integrated Qualcomm Adreno 405 GPU. This smaller of the Axon 7 options also packs a 423 ppi screen, 16 megapixel iso-cell sensor Camera, 8 megapixel front-facing camera and Qualcomm quick charge 2.0 battery.

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Antigua Sportswear: An emerging sportswear brand — especially on the LPGA tour, Antigua combines quality materials, modern design and excellent quality for its price point. And, I have to say, if I had a mother that looked like their models, I’d never leave the house. Actually, I think I just went and made it weird. Sorry. Still, Antigua makes top of the line options for ladies.

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Authenticity 50 Sheet Set: The folks at Authenticity keep it simple. They want to make luxury sheets that are specially designed to fit the modern “Bed in a Box” foam mattresses that are replacing the box spring model (though they can fit those, too, up to 16 inches). The sheets are entirely”‘seed-to-stitch” American made from rare California-grown Supima cotton.

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FXP Hula Hoop: This system takes the classic, simple activity of hula hooping and transforms it into a more elaborate exercise program. It’s serious kit and includes a collapsable hoop and instructional DVDs. Of course, you should only gift this if the woman in question mentioned she’d like a new workout. Spring it on her and you’re suggesting a state of affairs that will only deepen your post-Mother’s Day misery.

While mom is working out, you’d best give her some privacy…Unless she looks like and Antigua Sportswear model. Then…I did it again, didn’t I? Sorry. Moving on…

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Virtue+Vice: Don’t let the playful, fresh-faced look of the modern women’s wear from   this small, socially conscious fashion line fool you. The colors might be bright, the styles airy and the fit comfortable for mom or any other woman, but there’s a serious social justice effort behind every piece. Virtue+Vice makes shorts, bathing suits, kaftans and skirts. But everything in the line is made from organic, sustainable cotton fibers and manufactured by human beings who are an active part of the company’s identity. In fact, 5% of all profits from the company’s spring and summer 17 line is going to the Good Samaritan Children Home in Umbergaon, India.