Deadpool Quotes Are So Meta

An article as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.

CraveOnlineby CraveOnline
Photo: 20th Century Fox

For a movie about a smeared, not-so-known comic book character it was truly miraculous that Deadpool became the highest grossing R-rated movie of all time globally. The theatrical edition of the story of a wise-cracking anti-hero had to be something special to gross $783,112,979. Well, the passion project of Ryan Reynolds had the best laughs-per-minute ratio of any recent movie, putting a lot of high-profile straight comedies to shame, and that’s why Deadpool quotes are so great.

And the star of them is logically Deadpool, either while wearing the suit or while still being Wade Wilson.

“From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… me! Deadpool.”

“I know right? You’re probably thinking, ‘Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie?’ I can’t tell you his name, but it rhymes with Polverine.”

“This is confusing. Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real… blurry!”

[to Colossus] “Yeah, it’s me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can’t refuse. I’m gonna wait out here, okay? It’s a big house. It’s funny that I only ever see two of you. It’s almost like the studio couldn’t afford another X-Man.”

[to Colossus] “Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven’s Gate-looking motherfucker… on that day, I’ll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!”

“Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible… and completely unfuckable.”

“I’ve never said this to anyone before, but don’t swallow!”

[Punches Colussus in the groin, breaking his hand] “Ahhh! Your poor wife!”

[inhales the smoke from his guns] “Ahhhh. I’m touching myself tonight.”

“Now, I’m about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.”

“You’re probably thinking, ‘My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!’ Well, I may be super, but I’m no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that’s exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right… I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.”
Best deadpool quotes

Photo: 20th Century Fox

“Looks ARE everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It’s like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?”

[farts] “Hashtag drive-by.”

“That’s right! You’re about to be killed by a zamboni!”

“Oh, no, finish your tweet. It’s not… That’s… Just give us a second. Yeah. There you go. Hashtag it. Go get her, tiger.”

[walking towards Blind Al’s home] “She’s like Robin to my Batman, except she’s old, and black, and blind. And I think she’s in love with me. Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.”

“I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn’t having it. They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he’s just a bad parent.”

Deadpool Quotes Outside the Movie

[in his Honest Trailer, on the movie’s success despite the R rating] “So, when Aquaman starts throwing out sperm whale jokes you know who to thank”

[Deadpool 2 teaser] “Not on my watch motherfucker”

[Deadpool 2 teaser] “Zip it, Stan Lee!”

[Deadpool 2 teaser, seeing a shot old man] “Ohh Jesus. Ohhh that’s not good. No, no, no. Oh you’re not gonna walkt that one off. Oh that’s so gross.”

[Deadpool 2 teaser] “You probably wouldn’t be dead if it was Logan. What’s he gotta change into? Guy wears a fucking tank top and a pair of jeans.”

[Deadpool 2 teaser, imitating Hugh Jackman’s Australian accent] “Yeah, got my tank top on, bit of perspiration, little crime fighting spree… happy Hug-A-Koala day.”

Deadpool Quotes Supporting Characters

Blind Al: “I wish I’d never heard of Craigslist.”

Weasel: “You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally, for others’ sake.”

Weasel: “Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.”

Weasel: “No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.”

It’s really impossible not to read these Deadpool quotes in voices. That’s so meta.