I wonder if Hollywood considers anything sacred. Not that Time Bandits – a 1981 family film about a team of little people who defy God and steal a map of all the flaws in the universe in order to steal priceless treasures from throughout the time stream – is La Regle de Jeu or anything, but come on… look at that concept. There's no way the Hollywood remake, as announced by Daily Variety, is going to do that justice. But the film's producers are pushing ahead anyway, and are reportedly in talks with a 'Hollywood co-producer' to reboot the film as 'a bigscreen kids action franchise.'
So it's going to suck. Kids movies these days are neutered compared to the ones we grew up with in the 1980's, and no, that's not blind nostalgia talking. Back in the halcyon days of yore, kids movies featured kids wielding guns, kids obsessed with sex (realistically so), murders, breasts, and the complicated theological concepts presented in Time Bandits. God, aka 'Supreme Being' (Ralph Richardson) and his counterpart 'Evil Genius' (David Warner) are deeply flawed beings who don't fully understand the logic they've used to create the universe. The heroes are kleptomaniacal and kind of jerks. And the end of the film – SPOILER ALERT FOR A 30 YEAR OLD MOVIE – kills off the young protagonist's parents for no other reason than because it's funny.
Meanwhile, Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: No, Seriously won the box office last weekend. Times have changed, and for that matter so has banditry.
There may be one or two filmmakers out there with the class, clout and cleverness needed to pull off a Time Bandits remake, but we can't think of any off the top of our heads. We'll keep our fingers crossed, and our heads scratched.
Crave Online will return with more Time Bandits news as it starts with lasers, eight o'clock, day one!