Hey gang, the Henchman here. The job with the Kingpin went south, but I escaped when Punisher showed up guns blazing. Running like hell, which is what I’m best at, gave me an idea for my next blog. Fear is a huge part of being a henchman because of all the capes that come gunning for you. But who do we fear the most, some of you guys assume its Batman, but you might be surprised. Here’s a list of the top ten guys that give me a heart attack just thinking about them too long.

10. Daredevil

Who would have ever thought that a blind guy would be scary, but we’re pretty sure that this guy is not only blind, but a ninja too. I know what you’re thinking, that a ninja is still a henchman, and that’s true. This is the deal with Daredevil though, he’s only one ninja and that’s a problem. See a group of ninjas will get in each other’s way; those idiots from the Hand kill each other in fights far more than they are killed by say, Wolverine. But  one ninja? That shit is dangerous. Throw in a little boxing and you have a ninja with a mean right hook. This jerk can dodge bullets, balance on anything, and find anyone. Plus he’s friends with Spider-Man which is plenty scary.

9. NIghtwing

Another tough kid with a chip on his shoulder. I’ve always said that the Joker should have killed this guy when he had the chance, once Mr. J sicked his hyenas on me for pointing that out, good times.

Nightwing is a lot like his big boss man Batman, just not as tough. Considering the fact that the original Batman is dead (YES!!!) Nightwing might be getting a bit tougher. With some new wack job running around with the costume on I’m sure he’s plenty pissed. It’s a good thing I left Gotham when I did.

From what I gathered this guy uses all kinds of funky martial arts, plus he runs with a bunch of other capes which is bad news for guys like me. Once you think you’ve got this guy beat the hottest red haired alien you’ve ever seen shows up blowing guys (in a bad way) through walls and shit.

8. Robin

I know how embarrassing it is to admit that you’re afraid of a kid, but this one has a bo staff! It’s downright demoralizing to get your ass kicked in the first place, but by a kid? Man Two-Face laughs right in your face when you tell him that Robin showed up and busted up your drug ring, then he shoots one of your friends.

The truth is we could take Robin… easily, it’s just that to do so you would risk pissing off his boss Batman (did I mention how glad I was that he’s dead?) and you don’t want that kind of trouble, ever.

He also runs with a group of capes, their like a gang in their own right, and the only thing worse than getting beat up by a kid, it’s getting beat up by a bunch of kids.

7. Iron Fist

Are you seeing a pattern here? I’m not afraid of Superman, or even Thor, they don’t really care all that much about the Henchman, so the Henchman doesn’t care about them (and yes, I just referred to myself in the third person). What I do care about are my teeth, liver and spleen being where I left them when I woke up, when it comes to guys like Iron Fist I can’t make any guarantees.

This guy also runs with a group of capes as well, so be on the lookout for knuckle sandwiches from any number of black guys and/or Asians.   

6. The Punisher

Talk about a guy with a chip on his shoulder, this guy runs around with a mountain strapped to his back! The bad news is the mountain is full of guns. What the hell man, how come this guy can walk the streets in full body armor and guns and the cops don’t say shit? I can’t walk around with a sign that says, “Hammer Heads gang” on it now can I?

Hell, with the kind of cops we have I probably could. Word on the street is that the Punisher will kill you, even if you rat for him! So the run like hell rule is a must when dealing with Frank Castle. That’s right I know the bastards name and it don’t matter. Heck man I even know where he lives, but I don’t have a death wish.

5. Vigilante

This guy is a tossup with the Punisher, both use guns and kill us henchmen for a living, but this guy is at least smart enough to wear a mask over his face! Word on the street is that this guy is a brand new Vigilante, the old one must have died or something. This guy has been running around all over the city and has even been seen duking it out with the Titans (not the kids, they would likely win somehow).

Recently he broke into a prison just to get some info, even Batman hasn’t done that in a while, not since he died! Ha Ha Haaaa… that never gets old.

4. Bronze Tiger

This dude runs around with a big giant Tiger mask on his head and still manages to kick asses like mine all over dark alleys. It’s lucky I’ve never seen him up close, or I would be writing this blog from hell ( I hear they get internet there now). But some friends have told me stories, mostly while they were in traction.

The scoop is that this guy used to be some kind of villain, an assassin maybe I don’t know. But he has an important claim to fame that makes him a true nightmare for people like me… he beat up Batman! That’s right, the rumor is that he and the Bat threw down and Bronze Tiger came out on top! That’s reason enough to be afraid of this dude.

3. Captain America

It used to be that AIM had the best medical and HYDRA had the best dental, and we needed that insurance for when Cap would show up. Punching people and “throwing his mighty shield” around all willy nilly. Thanks to this jerk AIM is barely hiring unless you have an advanced degree, and HYDRA? Well let’s just say that the skrull paranoia has made that company not so fun to work for. The head of HYDRA recently sunk one of his undersea bases because a few Skrulls showed up, I say damn that!

This new Cap is worse than the first one, this guy runs around with a gun, and yes he actually shoots people with it! The bastard almos6 shot my head off, and we were only trying to boost some TV’s. He’s not As fast or as strong as the original guy from what I’ve seen so this guy likes to fight dirty, I mean who pants’ a guy in the middle of a fight?

Of course like the old Cap he runs around with a small army of capes, so unless you’re a part of the Hoods gang (oh how I wish) steer clear of the boy in blue.

2. Batman

The douche bag that started it all… is dead! You’d think I’d be happier but let’s face it; these guys don’t stay dead for long. Plus now he has a copy cat running around that would make the punisher blush. Did I mention I was glad I left Gotham City when I did, because this yahoo is killing fools left and right? Not even Nightwing can do much about a guy dressed like Batman and armed to the teeth.

I can’t believe I’m saying this but… I hope the real Batman will come back and make the streets safe for honest to goodness henchmen like myself. There’s nothing worse than getting shot at, I’d much rather be found laying unconscious in crime alley then get found full of holes anywhere.

Gotham is a total mess right now, the gangs are at war and guys like me are turning up missing every day, no dental plan is worth this, I don’t care how much the Black Mask is paying.

1. Spider-Man

My greatest fear realized. You wanna know why I’m most afraid of Spider-Man? It’s simple, he embodies everything there is to fear a) the law, b) my pride, and c) the really bad jokes.

This guy isn’t even trying to be scary, instead it’s like he’s practicing for a lounge act. He never shuts up and he hits so damn hard. All the webbing is gross and it gets everywhere! Did I mention that he never, and I mean never, shuts up? This guy is the king of multitasking, he can beat up a room full of guys, talk on the phone and make a never ending series of crappy one liners, it’s like getting beat up by a spry Don Rickles, but with no punch lines.

The sad part is when you think about it, he’s kind of funny. I remember sitting in the slammer with the Beetle and hearing all about how Spider-Man broke up his bank heist. Beetle was worked over pretty good so we could barely understand him, but he would laugh at his own ass whipping, which made us laugh.

I thought my Spider troubles where over when the cops drug him in for murder. None of us believed he did it, but dammit it felt good to be able to stick people up in the park again. But of course, these are the cops we’re talking about so they couldn’t hold him on trumped up charges. Hell they can’t get the Punisher and he really did that shit so go figure.

Well, my fellow criminals in training, that’s the list of do-gooders that I’m afraid of. Now I gotta get dressed, the Kingpin needs some new stuff delivered, it’s a good thing Daredevil is looking the other way, or this could be a long night!