By Zach Oberman

Superhero Diaries: Green Lantern The Superhero Diaries – brought to you by those who wear their underpants on the outside. The following is based on Green Lantern #27, written by Geoff Johns, who is pretty freaking amazing when it comes to writing comic books.

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Author: Hal "Better Than Michael" Jordan Mood: Frustrated Listening to: Guns N' Roses / Use Your Illusion

Interesting day down at the station house today. But first, a quick rundown in case you've never heard of me. I'm a member of the Green Lantern Corps, which means I'm like the universe's version of a cop. We have these rings that make big green objects in whatever shape we can think of. If that sounds dinky, it's only because you've never pissed yourself at the sight of a green Tyrannosaurus Rex, sixteen stories tall.

In the Corps, I see myself as Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon - the rebellious cop who lives on the edge, has nothing to lose, and bones a lot of chicks. The stodgy old police captain is played by The Guardians, a race of superpowered blue-skinned dwarves. They're always trying to get me to follow orders, obey the rules, and generally be less awesome. Well, sometimes, in order to uphold the law, you gotta break all the rules. (That's the tagline I came up with in case they ever make a movie about me – sweet, huh?)

Our precinct house is the planet Oa. It's a planet, but it's also like a battery for our rings. It used to be at the center of the universe, but a little over a year ago, an interdimensional crisis, like… shifted the universe. Now Oa's not in the center. I'm not really clear on the details because I leave that stuff for the paper-pushers. I do REAL police work - on the streets. All you need to know about Oa is that now it's a lot harder to give someone directions there.

So as I was saying, yesterday I was hanging out at the precinct. It was me and John Stewart – not the Daily Show guy, but another one of the Green Lanterns from Earth. FYI: he's black, but before you think that automatically makes him the Danny Glover to my Mel Gibson, you should know that he gets pissed when I ask him to say, "I'm getting too old for this shit." Anyway, we were having a cup of coffee when the giant green shit hit the giant green fan.

A Lantern had killed a man in cold blood. (I keep telling everyone that we need more codes. I mean, if we're really a police squad, I should be able to say something like: "A perp came in, DOA on a 467." It makes you sound official. This is why no one takes us seriously. We also need badges. Only drag queens recognize rings as a symbol of authority.)

If there was ever a weakness with our rings, it was that they used to be unable to apply lethal force. I don't mean that in the "you can kill someone, but then you have to plant a gun on their corpse" kind of way; I mean that our rings were programmed to be non-lethal. That's why I'm always fighting evil with big green boxing gloves and big green tweezers instead of big green semi-automatic rifles. It was like fencing with a butter knife, and unfortunately I'm not fighting intergalactic bullies - I'm fighting evil.

Well, a few months ago evil was really kicking our ass. Then the blue midgets in charge of this operation must have seen a James Bond flick, because they hooked us up with a license to kill. (Bond probably reminded them of me, since he's a crime fighter who pulls lots of tail.) Anyways, now we're more than the Corps…we're HARD-CORE. (I just thought of that!)

We should have known something would go wrong. Here's what happened: this Lantern came across a murderer standing over his victims. The guy was turning himself in, but she went ahead and sliced him in two. (That's right, I said "she" - we have chick Lanterns. In fact, I'm curious to find out what kind of big green cutting implement she used. I think it'll say a lot about her. Like, if she used a big green table saw it means she's probably too intense. If she used big green nail clippers I'd bet she's high-maintenance. If she used a big green kitchen knife then I'm going to see if she's down to bang.)

Now the Corps is less like Lethal Weapon and more like one of those gritty cop dramas, like The Wire, or The Shield. (Or at least their commercials. I don't have cable.) But instead of hard-nosed Internal Affairs officers, we have "The Alpha Corps," a new group of specially picked officers assigned to take down Lanterns who break the law.

To determine who would be an Alpha Lantern, the Guardians went around the room, asking every ass-kisser, brown-noser and total square in the Corps. Of course they didn't ask me, probably because they knew I'm too cool for the job. I'd be like, "Shove it, pig," or something else just as badass. They did ask John, though, and I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, it's always good to have a friend on the inside. On the other hand, he knows where I keep my big green stash, and I don't hang out with narcs. Luckily he turned 'em down - I always knew he was cool.

Then I was psyched because they asked this Lantern named Boodikka. There's a reason her name starts with 'booty,' and once she accepted, I figured she'd be the uptight officer assigned to investigate me. At first my incorrigible, carefree attitude would annoy her, but soon I'd awaken the wild side of her she thought she had lost, and remind her what it feels like to be a woman. In return she'd ask me to boink her. (See: Rene Russo; Lethal Weapons 3 and 4.)

But while the Guardians were like, "It's an honor, blah blah blah, you'll have to leave behind who you are, blah blah blah," they failed to mention that part of becoming an Alpha Lantern is HAVING YOUR FACE CUT OFF!!! Bootilicious and the rest of the Buzzkill Corps went off for a couple hours, and when they came back, they all looked like they'd had a half-dozen facelifts apiece. My first thought was, "I'll have to hit it from the back," but then Boodikka's face PEELS BACK FROM HER HEAD and it looks like someone just popped the hood of a '96 Mustang. It looked like she'd just starred in an episode of "Pimp My Head." Now there's no way I'm having sex with her – if that's what's behind her face I can't even imagine what they installed in her uterus. And while I was shocked, my reaction was nothing compared to John's - I thought he was gonna faint. The guy nearly got his face renovated. Luckily when you're a badass like me people know not to mess with your looks; even during the torture scene in Braveheart they knew to stay away from Mel's grill.

Now the Lame-o Brigade is ruining everything, and I don't just mean that because they're ugly. According to a letter I received about an hour ago, the following are unacceptable uses of my ring: tapping a keg; Beer Pong; vandalism; decrypting pay-per-view porn channels; wiping my ass; Titty Twisters and other miscellaneous acts of vengeance; changing the oil in my car; making sure Duke doesn't cover the spread; creating an army of naked green women in a variety of ethnicities who are life-sized, anatomically correct and slutty… the list just goes on and on. I can't describe how bored I am right now.

Well, that's it for tonight. I'm hoping that things will go back to normal soon, but I'll keep you guys updated and let you know how things turn out.

Laterz,

- Big Hal