By Zach Oberman

The Superhero Diaries – brought to you by those who wear their underpants on the outside.  The following is based on Hulk #2, by Jeph Loeb.  He may not be able to spell ‘Jeff’, but he can sure write an entertaining comic book.

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Author: Tony “Don’t Call Me Tin Man” Stark Mood: Platinum Listening to: My Bang and Olufsen Stereo

Before I get started, I want to make sure everyone knows who they’re dealing with here.  I am Tony Stark.  Iron.F’n. Man.  I’m the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. What does SHIELD stand for?  How the f*** should I know?  I’m rich – when I want to remember something I’ll ask my secretaries.  I call them my little Iron Maidens - not because I’m Iron Man, but because they’re virgins with rock hard bodies.  We rich people are allowed to have our little eccentricities.  Take Larry Ellison: he’s all into Asian culture; his house looks like a pagoda and he’s got ninja shit lying all over the place.  I read the Art of War too, Larry, and just because I have to take my shoes off every time I come over to your place doesn’t make you Sun-Tzu. Now virgins: that’s what I call an eccentricity.  Ellison might fancy himself a shogun, but I’m racking up virginal sacrifices like I’m Poseidon.  Do you know how much it costs to staff nothing but virgins?  Who cares?  All I know is that I go through eight secretaries a week because every time I bang one I have to have her transferred to one of my sweat shops in Taiwan.  (Lately I’ve been referring to my rod as either “The Severance Package” or “The Pink Slip.”) 

See, success is all about an image.  Years ago I had two images – on one side I was Tony Stark: rich, handsome, charming.  On the other side I was Iron Man: powerful, heroic, polished to a high gloss shine.  Sure, I had it good, but then I went to a management seminar where I learned that good isn’t the same as great.  Winners are great, and if you’re not winning, you’re losing.  It opened my eyes.  Now I accept nothing less than the best.

For instance, as Iron Man I was an Avenger.  Sure, I was a hero to millions, but I wasn’t going to be the best Avenger as long as Captain America was around.  So I did what all top managers did, and found my VIP path: I Visualized, Innovated, and Persisted.  First I visualized a world without Captain America.  Then I innovated, manufacturing a civil war between metahumans that resulted in Captain America being branded as a treasonous criminal.  Finally, I persisted until he was arrested and ultimately assassinated. Hey – success isn’t always pretty, but it’s dog-eat-dog out here, and metaphorically, Captain America was one tasty-ass dog.  (When it comes to delicacies, I know what I’m talking about: for breakfast this morning I ate an omelet made from California condor eggs with a side of panda bacon off the belly of a naked albino woman.)

Those same VIP techniques have also helped me achieve the ultimate in financial success.  Back in my “loser days” I was rich, but no matter how much money I made, I was always going to be #2 as long as the U.S. Government was around.  Again I Visualized, Innovated, and Persisted.  Now I’m the director of SHIELD.  Whatever SHIELD stands for, being the director means I have a budget of 3 bazillion dollars to play with and I can legally wiretap your colon if I feel like it,.  When I took the job, SHIELD’s headquarters was a Helicarrier.  As the name implies, it’s an aircraft carrier that’s also a helicopter.  Is it cool?  Sure, maybe ten years ago, but again, success is an image, and there’s nothing successful-looking about driving around in a used automobile.  So I had a new helicarrier built.  It has 8000 cup holders, and if that weren’t enough, then I went ahead and had it GOLD PLATED.  Why?  Because Paul Allen has a boat with two helicopter pads, a recording studio and a submarine, and my new ride makes him look like Oliver Twist.  Suck it, Allen, you gruel-eating orphan!!! My boat flies! Starbucks is going to have to charge three hundred dollars per latte before you can hold my new helicarrier’s jock! 

Now I’m at the pinnacle of success, and you won’t see me letting up any time soon.  Nothing but the best for me.  I build a new suit of armor every four months so I am always on top of the latest technology and fashion.  If I hear that red is out this season, I’ll be sporting blue and gold by the weekend, and this outdated junk will go in the garage with my first 138 suits.  People think I turn them into robots just because they respond to my commands.  But robots are really difficult, not to mention expensive.  Do you know what’s not?  Immigrant labor.  I may have an administrative staff of virgins, but that doesn’t mean I never keep an eye on the bottom line.  But being #1 means I cannot tolerate failure, and boy did we have a big steaming pile of it today…

I’ll be brief, because time is money and a bowel movement costs me the GDP of Uruguay.  We have reason to believe there is a new Hulk.  Our evidence is largely anecdotal, coming from the thousands of people, myself included, who happen to notice as something awfully Hulk-like cause 2.5 trillion dollars of damage to my brand new helicarrier. We believe this Hulk is new for two reasons: first, he’s red, while the previous Hulk clearly preferred earth tones.  Second, while Hulk 2.0 was f***ing up my ride, Bruce Banner was locked up downstairs, sedated with regular tranquilizers and the services of several local Oriental massage parlors that I enlisted so that a case of blue-balls didn’t lead to the destruction of the eastern seaboard. 

Whoever this new Red Hulk is, I hope he knows who he’s messing with.  First he beat up She-Hulk (who is a nice ride in and of herself, if you know what I mean.) Then he hit me with a plane.  It didn’t hurt, but it scratched the paint on my new suit of armor – a one of a kind Armani.  Then he crashed my hellicarrier, and I hadn’t even tried out the new 125 megawatt sound system, let alone done a fly-by of Bill Gates’ house to make him spill coffee all over his dweeby little shirt. 

This is intolerable.  In management training we learned that successful leaders never lose: by learning from their errors, they turn defeat into victory.  So far the only mistake I see is that I hired a security force that couldn’t manage to spot a 400-lb man who is seven feet tall, radioactive and fire-engine red, and the only lesson I’ve learned is that I need some rent-a-cops with eyes and Geiger counters.  You’d better believe that heads are going to roll over this colossal f***up.  I want to know is who Hulk 2.0 is, people, and I want answers NOW. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go take a caviar bath with every model in the first half of this month’s Victoria’s Secret catalog.