By Zach Oberman

The following Superhero Diary is based on Action Comics #866, by Geoff Johns.  We’ve already confessed our nerd-love for Johns’ work, but if an inordinate number of these are based on his comics, it’s only because he’s writing so damn many of them.

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Author: Clark Kent, Super at Everything Listening To: Souljah Boy Mood: Really wanting to “Superman some ho”

I’m awful mad today. We got these two new editors at the Daily Planet, and one of them had the nerve to hit on Lois. Right in front of me! But since I have to be Clark Kent, Professional Wet Noodle, I have to be all like, “Oh, um… excuse me, um… stop hitting on my wife… please,” while using my powers to play snotty little pranks on the guy. Me! I’m Superman! I once farted so hard I ripped the fabric of space!

You know who also pulls that crap with Lois? Batman. Goddamn I hate that guy. He knows he’s messin’ with the Supe, but does it anyway, coming around the office, like, “Oh, hi Lois, I just flew into town, because I’m super rich, didn’t you know? I’m also a prick. Listen to me – I’m witty!” And you know what’s worse? She likes it! Does she think I can’t see her, laughing at his jokes and touching his arm? I know she’s probably just trying to make me jealous, but unfortunately for him, it’s working. Batman better hope we never get another genius in the Justice League, because when that day comes, me and my right fist are gonna pay a little visit (to his testicles).

Though speaking of testicles, I have to admit, while one of the new editors was putting the moves on my wife, the other one was all over my junk. Honestly, can you blame her? I may act like a dweeb, but I’m still Superman, and women can sense that sort of thing. I’ve actually worked with this chick before, but she spent the last few years in L.A., where she obviously sampled the local fare: breast enhancement surgery. She wanted me to know it, too, because she came over to “chat” with her new yabos hanging out all over the place. I almost told her she could put a leash on those puppies, because unless she is wearing her finest lead bra, I can see her rack whenever I want (and I did – two thumbs up!)

Yeah: I checked the girl out. I can admit it, because I may wear red underwear, but these days they’re supporting a pair of big blue balls. That’s right – the Supe has been going through a dry spell. My membership in the Genetalia League has been suspended.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Superman, you’re handsome, charming and exude confidence! You’re SUPERMAN! If you can’t get laid, what hope is there for us tragically average guys?” To which I say, don’t worry your fragile, squishy selves too much. It’s not that You-Know-Super-Who doesn’t have the opportunity. I’ve got a line of willing ladies that would stretch around the block. Any day I want, I could have an Amazon (Wonder Woman – as in, it’s a Wonder I’ve been able to resist tapping that ass), a reincarnated chick (Hawkgirl – I’d give her a reason to come back to life!), a Magician (Zatanna – though there’s no way I’m taking Batman’s sloppy seconds), a New God (You know… what’s-her-face… the tall one), et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. A veritable vagina pu-pu platter, and oh yeah, did I mention my superfine wife?

The problem is I have no time. It’s this annoying super-hearing of mine. Any time Lois and I start getting intimate, you can bet that somewhere in Metropolis there’s a train with no brakes or an old folks’ home on fire. (The Metropolis Transit Authority has the worst brakes in the history of mechanized propulsion. Every time you get on a train in this city you better hope I’m not in space, because your life is on the line.) And it’s not like every once in a while I can decide, “Screw it; let ‘em burn,” because you know how some guys think about baseball to delay an orgasm? Listening to Grandma get charbroiled is a bit stronger of a buzzkill. So off I go to save the day, and by the time I’m done signing autographs, kissing babies and taking photos, Lois is asleep with the TV on. It’s not always easy being the Supe. (Though it is always awesome.)

Oh yeah, Brainiac also came to town, but I’ll write more on that next week. It’s been a few days since I had any… um… “release,” and when that happens, I have to go into space to take care of it. Lil’ Supe isn’t exactly known for his aim, and I wouldn’t want to kill any people and/or wildlife.

Stay off the trains,

-Supe