#2 The Warriors


Just because the Warriors do it doesn't mean it's not gay to wear a leather vest with no shirt.

The Warriors is one of those classic cult movies that, despite being totally implausible, is so atmospheric that you sort of don’t think about it. The basic premise is that the Jesus of NY gang members tries to have all the gangs in the city meet to discuss a broad unification, but someone wastes him and the Warriors get blamed for it. The Warriors are then forced to fight there way back to their home-turf on Coney Island before one of the other gangs wastes them too. The other gangs are what really make this movie great. There’s a baseball gang, a roller skate gang, an all girl gang, a gang of kung-fu brothers, an orphan gang… It sounds hilarious but somehow the cinematography and direction make it seem serious, and amazing feat, all things considered.

B-Movie clichés: Everybody knows karate, implied rape, gangsters, kung-fu brothers, evil adversary, climactic showdown.

WTF quote: Luther: (clicking beer bottles together) Waaaarrrrrriiiorsss, come out to plaaaa-eeeee-aaaay!

#1 Death Race 2000


Death Race 2000: Yet another depiction of a sordid apocalyptic future that happened 7 years ago, I guess.

Death Race 2000 is the most totally rad movie ever made. It’s set in the future (which looks a lot like the 70’s), and it’s about a trans-Atlantic road race in which the drivers are awarded points not only for finishing first, but for committing acts of vehicular manslaughter along the way as well. David Carradine stars as “Frankenstein”, and Sylvester Stallone has a pretty sizeable role as well as “Machine Gun Joe Viterbo”. There’s enough gratuitous sex and violence in this film to satisfy the hungriest of bloodlusts, but presented in a slightly comedic, fantasy skewed manner that can only be achieved through the magic of low budget filmmaking. There’s nothing quite like seeing a car that looks like a dinosaur swerve to run over babies and old people as Stallone fires a car-mounted machine gun at a Nazi supermodel. I hope that Hollywood doesn’t ruin this film by remaking Death Race. Death Race 2000 is like a once-in-a-lifetime, perfect alignment of cult movie elements that can never be repeated, replaced or reheated.

B-Movie clichés: Vehicular manslaughter, misunderstood monsters, implied rape, exploding cars, bizarre humor, sexy sidekick, evil adversary, tits, the future, exploding guts, embarrassing appearances by now famous celebrities.

WTF quote: Cleopatra: It isn't my fault everyone scored before us. You should have gone after that Boy Scout camp like I told you!
Nero the Hero: I tried the goddamn Boy Scout camp. You know how fast those Boy Scouts move?
Cleopatra: Now here's something more your speed.
Nero the Hero: That'll be at least 200 points!
Cleopatra: If they scatter, go for the baby and the mother!