Drive Angry is that guy everyone knew in college. You know, the one always drunk on tequila, hopped up on goofballs, running naked down the streets screaming about how much they love porno? You can enjoy their company for about an hour and a half before you seriously start wondering if you should be reading Kierkegaard just to compensate for their ridonkulousness. Drive Angry leaves the party just when it needs to, having done what it set out to do, boned who it planned to bone, and driving drunkenly away hitting pedestrians for bonus points as it goes.
Nicolas Cage plays John Milton, and the erudite amongst you can probably stop right there since you can see where this is going. The rest of you should know that Milton is on a bloody rampage of vengeance, having escaped prison to rescue his infant granddaughter, who has been kidnapped by a satanic cult. Milton has only two days before the next full moon, when the last of his bloodline will be sacrificed to bring about the apocalypse. Oh yeah, and there’s an apocalypse. And the prison Milton escaped from is Hell. And Amber Heard is in it… Mmm… Ironically heavenly Amber Heard…
Normally, the hot and spicy Amber Heard would provide enough sex appeal for any movie… or planet, for that matter… but My Bloody Valentine director Patrick Lussier manages to fit more ‘T & A’ in this movie than the word ‘Ratatatatatat,” which, yes, is now a real word. Boobs jangle, bullet casings jingle, cars fly through the air like buttresses, providing high-powered lowbrow entertainment so distracting that you might forget that Drive Angry actually makes sense. No, that’s not a typo. For all the grindhouse nonsense and the (unnecessary but unusually well done) 3D effects, at its heart Drive Angry is a great tale. Simple enough to stay focused (“Baby is good.” “Get baby/kill baby,” etc.) but just rich enough to actually reward your gaze. Cage is at his eclectic best as a ghost on a mission, determined to save the world but live every moment like its his last along the way, refusing even to stop doing a waitress mid-gunfight because, I mean come on… waitresses are precious.
Drive Angry isn’t the most original film you’re ever likely to see (unless it’s the first, in which case seriously? Your first film? It’s good but you can do better than Drive Angry…). That mid-hump gunfight was lifted pretty much wholesale from Shoot ‘Em Up, the plot seems half-cribbed from Supernatural, the big car chase is just Race with the Devil in reverse* and once the details of the plot are made clear you’ll probably just want to call it the real Ghost Rider and go home satisfied. But all the different pieces at least fit together this time: Drive Angry is a blast from start to finish, a great supernatural adventure made only better by the presence of William Fichtner, playing a godlike version of his character from Prison Break and stealing the whole movie (and our hearts) with his drastic new pronunciations of the ‘F’-word.
Drive Angry is a ‘good’ ‘movie.’ Which is to say you’ll have a hell of a time at the theater, but if you’re looking to have your life actively changed you’d be better off with Last Year at Marienbad. It’s a whole keg of beer when a shot of whiskey would have sufficed. It’s boobtacular, guntastic, and kind of dorky fun… and it makes us anything but angry.
Crave Online Rating: 9 out of 10