Who out there in the geek kingdom doesn’t know Veteran Character Actor Lance Henriksen? You’ll notice of course that I capitalized “Veteran Character Actor” because that’s how I refer to him now at all times. I can’t just say Lance Henriksen; it’s like Shave And A Haircut without the Two Bits. I start shaking and vibrating furiously like Roger Rabbit when I can’t say the man’s whole name.

For years Veteran Character Actor Lance Henriksen has been entertaining us with his ability to morph into any character he wants to. From an incredibly evil mastermind of terror to hero and champion of the little guy we all know Veteran Character Actor Lance Henriksen will get the job done. What people don’t know is that while being an incredible actor Lance Henriksen has a dark side.

It’s true, Lance Henriksen will kick your monkey ass if you f**k with him and he’ll do it in horrendous and excruciatingly painful ways. He has the money, resources and maniacal training to make sure you regret having stepped into his grill for the rest of your short life. If Marcellus Wallace gets medieval on your ass then Veteran Character Actor Lance Henriksen brings the whole Spanish Inquisition down on you with a touch of the Black Plague. I’m not trying to get the man pissed at me but I wanted to warn fellow fans before you get him riled up. To illustrate my point I’ve come up with the Top Ten Reasons Not To Mess With Lance Henriksen. Here they are:

10. Because you don’t wanna get run over.

Rumor has it that Lance vanished a while back when vacationing in the mountains. When he returned he was a different man but nobody knew how different. All his friends knew was that he had a hot new sports car that he seemed way too involved with. One night a hitchhiker tried to rob Lance and things got ugly. The cops found the hitchhiker ripped in half. They never got the full story because the only words the dying Hitchhiker uttered were “Lockdown”.

9. Lance has friends in high…or low….places.

Before acting it was rumored Lance was the head of some kind of boarding school or military school or something. He started a weekly poker game there with some of the students, one of whom always seemed to win. One time Lance used his natural “Lanceness” to outfox the young whippersnapper with the strange tattoo. To repay his debt whenever a bitch runs afoul of Lance they suddenly develop a brain hemorrhage or they get involved in a roadside beef with a gaggle of pissed off Crows.