By Jeremy Azevedo

It’s time once again to look back on another year of embarrassing public displays of FAIL on the part of this great nation’s headline-grabbing celebritards!

They say that the price of fame is the scrutiny that the public holds you to: These ten celebrities made it worth our while to watch them this year as they self destructed before our very eyes, teaching us all a valuable lesson about the dangers of strutting around all over the goddamn place like some kind of egomaniacal human peacock, and also making Harvey Levin (who also has it coming, btw) very rich.

Christian Bale



It doesn’t matter how much money “The Dark Knight” made this year, it won’t change the fact that Christian Bale damn near ruined it with his retarded growling voice thing. Perhaps due to all the critics having a go at him for this, Christian got so butthurt that he took it out on his mom and sister by beating the shit out of them. When asked for a comment, Bale simply replied, “Ahhhhgggggmmmm Bhhhaaaaattttttttmmmmuuuuuaaaggghhhnnn-agh!”

David Duchovny



So, here’s a guy that goes to rehab to treat a “sex addiction”, even though there doesn’t appear to have been any kind of extramarital affair going on. You know what that means… He’s a jackmaster! Good luck ever looking at David “Baloney Bopper” Duchovny again without picturing him sitting in front of his computer, pants around his ankles, beating off to goldenshowerjuggs.com or whatever, six or seven times a day.

Hilary Clinton



She tried to run for president of the United Sates, even though she’s a woman, lol!

Plaxico Burress



Never mind that Plaxico has a rad name that sounds like an over the counter anti-depressant, or that he is a multi-millionaire wide receiver for the NY Giants. That didn’t stop him from going into a nightclub with a handgun tucked into his sweatpants and shooting himself in the leg, resulting in a suspension from the team, criminal charges, a bullet in his leg (duh) and possible excommunication from the NFL. What a dumbass! First of all, you don’t wear sweatpants to a nightclub, ever. That was your first mistake right there, Mr. Plaxico, sir.. And second, when you make several million crispies a year, you hire some other asshole to carry a gun for you, so that when something happens, it’s their fault and not yours! Just ask, Puffy, Snoop, Busta, or anyone else sitting at home sipping on “Hen” while their bodyguard does fifteen for involuntary manslaughter!

Amy Winehouse



In a repeat performance from last year, Winehouse has continued to smoke more crack, get into more fistfights, smoke more crack, walk off of more stages and smoke more crack than anyone since… um… Amy Winehouse last year? Even her husband, who has probably sobered up a bit on account of the fact that it’s hard to get drugs in jail, would rather “Do the Duchovny” then have another conjugal visit from Skeletor and is all like “DO NOT WANT!” to their supposedly “(crack)rock solid” marriage. My favorite Amy Winehouse rumor of the year? How about the one in which she pours crack cocaine into her cotton candy machine, because her lungs are too f**ked to smoke it!

Ashley Dupre



I don’t know if this one really counts as a celebrity, but her fail was so profound that it certainly bears mention. The difference between a street-walker prostitute and a “call girl” is that the call girl is paid an exorbitant amount of money, not for sex, but for her discrepancy (i.e. to keep her mouth shut). But since she thinks that she’s a singer and really wants to be on “Celebrity Double Dare” or something, Dupre narc’d out one of our most celebrated politicians, Eliot Spitzer, for dipping his wick in the wrong ten thousand dollar candle. It just goes to show you how repressed our society is that a sex scandal could topple a man who single-handedly took on and brought down an entire organized crime family, supported gay marriage and the rights of immigrants while vehemently attacking the white collar criminals who have now all but destroyed our economy. Not that Ashley Dupre would have known any of that, because she was too busy polishing knobs over the last few years to notice. You’d think that, smart as he was, Spitzer would’ve just gone on vacation to Thailand once a month like everyone else in office, and this whole ugly thing could have been avoided!

OJ “The Juice” Simpson



This dude is the unluckiest guy ever to get away with murder. Earlier this month, The Juice was sentenced to no less than nine years in prison for last year’s Las Vegas armed memorabilia robbery. This comes on top of having been successfully sued by the Goldman family for every penny he’s got or will ever have, the State of California for outstanding back taxes, DirectTV for stealing cable (I am not making this up, I swear) and also having his book “If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer” cock-blocked into oblivion for being the single most ill-advised piece of literature since “Mein Kampf”. They better keep belts and shoelaces out of OJ’s cell, because he’s gotta be on the fast rack to “Swingtown” by now, amirite? Now how are the Goldmans going to assuage their grief with obscene amounts of OJ dough? Will they garnish his license plate printing wages while he’s in the joint? Only time will tell…

Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz



Not only are these two perhaps the most universally disliked celebrity couple in America, but they actually named their first born future Hollywood trust fund recipient “Bronx Mowgli”. Initial attempts to sell pictures of their newborn child to various paparazzi rags were met with utter dismissal. Apparently they didn’t get the memo that you have to be a Scientologist or adopt a child from Zimbabwe in order to make the cover of Us Weekly these days. Thankfully, a retarded and socially crippling baby name no longer commands the same financial weight that it once did. Check back next year for a recap of the utter failure that resulted form their imminently forthcoming duet album/reality show/variety special/self-absorbed circle jerk.

Kanye West



Kanye West has been teetering on the brink of FAIL all year long, getting into pussy little slap fights in airports wearing Hello Kitty backpacks, watching helplessly as Urban Outfitters plays his venetian blind shades out for good, turning pretty much every blogger in America against him by writing checks with his mouth that his ass can’t cash and biting every piss-poor rapper in the south’s style by releasing a shitty album recorded entirely in auto-tune. Kanye said it best when he referred to himself as “The McDonalds of Rap”: he’s everywhere, but he’s devoid of substance and nutritional value, cheap, lousy, may cause sickness and/or diarrhea and is generally to be avoided in favor of virtually anything else.

Sarah Palin



If John McCain ever had a chance of winning the election this year, that all went straight out the goddamn window when he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate. It’s easy to see why he did it: He needed someone young and unusual make him seem more palatable to those taken in by the promise of “change” offered by Barack Obama. Unfortunately, she came off like a character from a Cohen Brothers film, with her slutty bumpkin daughter, backward ethics and general bungling of even the simplest of questions. My favorite Sarah Palin moment of the year had to be this November, when she pardoned a Thanksgiving turkey on live television right in front of a fully operational, gore-soaked slaughterhouse. Great job, Sarah P., “friend to all animals!” Nice attention to detail!