By Tom Oatmeal

Tom Oatmeal is our resident giver of what some would call "bad advice". And what still others might refer to as a "statement of criminal intent". Pretty much everyone agrees, however, that the only universal designation for Tom's strange ramblings is "hilarious". -(Ed.)

1. Know about Wine

If you plan on being romantic, then you better start drinking up on the wine. Wine is seriously like the most romantic thing in the world! That’s why wine is the blood of Jesus. Imagine how romantic he was! Having wine-blood made Jesus so romantic that he wasn’t even created by traditional intercourse. One day he was just decided to show up. I’ll bet that conversation went like this:

Jesus (to Mary): I’m in your vagina.

Mary (confused): But your father and I didn’t even…

Jesus (interrupting): Deal with it.

Women love men that can drink a bunch of wine because it shows they are sensitive. My Uncle Nate is a master at this. Sometimes, Uncle Nate won’t even go to work because he’s busy drinking wine and calling people until they hang up because he’s crying too hard (also romantic). I think Uncle Nate would probably be up to his knees in women, but he had to go away for a while.
 
 
2. Appreciate the finer things in life.



Women are turned on by guys who spend tons of money. You have to be careful though. You can’t just spend a bunch of money on poor people crap like Corn Nuts and expect women to melt. You need to be cool about it and focus on buying ritzy, James Bond-type stuff like grillz or retractable awnings. Also, don’t make a big deal about those things or you’ll ruin it. Here’s how to reveal your fine tastes:

You (to attractive woman): Isn’t it nice sitting in the shade?

Attractive Woman: Yes, but how can that be? I thought it was sunny out today.

You (Stirring expensive ice tea like it’s not a big deal): Why don’t you look up?

Attractive Woman (Looking up): Is that one of those retractable awnings?

You (Cool-like): Ha, oh maybe. I don’t even remember purchasing that.

Attractive Woman: Who spray-painted “Leave” on it?

3. Share the Love

Isn’t funny how at a first glance, a guy who wears a velvet suit everyday and drives around town in a Cadillac full of hair extensions might seem like a pimp? Then you get to know him and realize that some people have so much love to give, they can’t stop at giving it to just one person only. You can’t be romantic if you don’t understand love. Forrest Gump used to say that he knew what love was, but I feel like he was thinking of a porcelain trough that you relieve yourself in, which is actually called a “urinal.” If you don’t know what love is, you better figure it out fast. Realize that it is something deep. It goes beyond rejection and restraining orders. Loving someone is incredibly romantic so feel free to let some woman know you love her:

You (to attractive woman): I’m in love with you.

Attractive Woman: I don’t think I know you.

Woman’s Husband (stops raking the leaves): Excuse me. Can I help you?

You: I’m just selling magazines. Would you like to buy some magazines like Vogue or whatever? (silently mouthing to woman) “I Love You…”

Attractive Woman: I’m not sure I…

Woman’s Husband: Look, I think you better get lost.

4. Understand Literature



Knowing about books is incredibly sexy to women because it tells them, “Guess who learned how to read?” Having a knowledge of literature can also help you at parties where some asshole is trying to steal all the women by acting all snooty. If he tries to stump you and you counter the attack with some cool literature reference, let’s just say that I hope you have condoms with you! (Because you will be having sex pretty quick after that and probably won’t have time to run to a drugstore.) Here’s what I mean:

Snooty Guy (while surrounded by hot women): We’re talking about literature so now might be a good time for you to get a refill.

(women laugh)

You: I’ll give YOU a refill (point to genitals).

Snooty Guy: Why are your eyes red? Were you just out in my garage?

To be honest, I don’t really know how to casually bring up literature at parties yet, but I know for a fact that women love it. The best thing to do is to just have a book with you at all times. I have this great one that’s chock-full of dinosaurs.

5. Be Heroic and Giving

Nothing is more romantic than a true hero. That’s a fact. Whenever I think of the starving children in Africa, I start to feel really bad. But then I’ll think about myself and how I’m “starving” to have my Mercedes not beep like crazy just because I don’t always wear a seatbelt. I guess my point is that we’re all suffering in some way. Despite this collective suffering, women love a man who will ignore his needs in order to help others. Take me for example. Anytime there’s a canned food drive at work, I’m always the one who gets really upset when it’s the last day and I totally forgot to bring anything. And when some disaster happens in another part of the world, I’m always the first one to say how much I’d love to help out with the relief effort, but can’t due to the distance. Am I a hero? I don’t know. Maybe. Probably just a romantic, but who knows? To be honest, I actually kind of hate being the center of attention, which is why I usually opt to participate in group activities like Habitat for Humanity because everyone is important. From the people who tear down the old house to the folks that build the new one, everyone counts. Heck, even the guy who gets really high on the way over and spends the whole afternoon trying to balance himself on the edge of curb using just his toes is valuable. Even if the rest of the group doesn’t think so.