By Harmon Leon

On a recent roadtrip for some R&R at the Hoover Dam, I came across a giant billboard that read, “Pea Soup Andersen’s 110 Miles.” This was very informative and gave me time to think about pea soup consumption.

Where else but the middle of fucking nowhere could a specialty restaurant like this survive. Pea soup as a main selling point for a restaurant’s appeal could only prevail in the hinterlands of the open road. Pea Soup Anderson’s 110 miles; “Hell yes” I cried, save a bowl at the table for me! My dreamy thoughts are tapped with visions of entire swimming pools filled with steamy pea soup as revelers hold enormous piping bowls and participate in ornate limbo contest, while a menu consists of over 150 pea soup varieties, everything from Spicy Jalepeno to Chunky Monkey.

"Pea Soup! Pea Soup!” I chanted for the next hour and twenty minutes. Now you might think I’m a cynic, most likely perching myself too lofty and urban for the enjoyment of simplistic pea soup at a pea soup theme restaurant. This can be no farther from the truth. In fact in high school, I used to be one of the most animated pea soup supporters. I was president of our school’s “Pea Soup Appreciation Society,” a collective group who gathered weekly to discuss, share facts, photos and thoughts about bowls of green pea soup. The club consisted of myself, Jingox-the flamboyant exchange student, and the shy girl with glasses who always got hit in the face during dodge-ball.

I pull off at the Buelton exit and proceed down the “Avenue of Flags,” my guess named such due to all the damn flags aligning the street.

Parking my green Pontiac Grand Am rental car, I depart from the vehicle, skipping like a schoolgirl in a pink frilly dress at a Sunday pik-nik; my pea soup awaits. I stop in my tracks.  I’m deceived. Pea Soup Andersen’s is NOT a restaurant that entirely sells only pea soup; it merely showcases pea soup as their specialty item. What a bunch of bullshit. By no means is there Pea Soup Pie or Pea Soup-sicles That’s deception in advertising. Pea Soup Andersen’s is a pimp-slapped whore!

Grabbing a booth, it’s disappointing the staff isn’t dressed in giant flamboyant pea outfits whilst talking in deep, silly voices. The waiter, dressed merely as a waiter, asks for my order.

“Pea Soup! Pea Soup, you stupid bastard! Pea Soup!”

Though there’s other food items on the menu other than blessed pea soup, the deal with Pea Soup Andersen’s is, when ordered you get a bottomless bowl of pea soup; yes, all the pea soup you can eat. America is the beautiful.  It’s like somehow in 1946, Mr. Andersen bought a gigantic tanker full of surplus pea soup for a ridiculously low price from some shady, underworld soup-baron. Since that day, this has been Mr. Andersen’s life mission-to deplete his colossal pea soup supply, sacrificing all worldly and conventional dignity.