By Nathan Jordan

When one thinks of Nebraska, there are many things that may come to mind. Or, more than likely, nothing at all. After all, why should anyone care about some Canadian province?

What most people don’t realize is that Nebraska is actually in the United States. Not only that, but it’s bordered by six other states, which gives every person in the US roughly a 12% chance that their state may actually be right next to Nebraska.
 
I decided to do some investigating into this mystery state. A trip to the local library went awry and, four lap dances and $500 later, I returned home to do my research in front of my computer where there would be no access to nudity of any kind. After some exhaustive research I learned many interesting facts about Nebraska. For instance, Nebraska gave us Arbor Day which is the most important day for trees in the calendar year. The state slogan is “Nebraska. We Have Laundry to do this Weekend.” Did you know that Nebraska is the only state to declare Jim Belushi’s birthday a state holiday?  And finally, California does not border Nebraska. (P.S. I managed to find some online nudity.)
 

According to this guy, Nebraska is A-okay!
 
My research inspired me to take a weekend trip to the “Cornhusker” state to see what all of the fuss was about. My first pleasant surprise upon arrival was that Nebraska had its very own airport made of sturdy materials. Once I collected my luggage from Jeremiah, the airport security guard/air-traffic controller, I had no trouble waving down a cab. I asked the cab driver to take me to a place called “Omaha.” He told me to take off my watch, as the technology was spooking his horses.
 

That’s me, trying not to look too much like a tourist.
 
Omaha was pleasantly modern with a working stop light and a telephone booth just outside of town. Best of all, the people were extremely friendly. Upon arrival I was gifted with numerous baked goods and over twenty invitations to “come over and watch According to Jim.” I was also warned to stay away from the nearby town of Gatlin, where apparently the children were completely out of control, something to do with corn and some weird adult-murdering cult.


The majestic skyline of Omaha.

The next morning I took in the sights with Betty and Luke, a nice married couple who ran the bed and breakfast I was staying at, the Cobb Knobbler Inn. They took me to all the Omaha hot spots, the National Candle Wax Museum, the local Elks lodge, and the IGA. I spent most of the day talking to locals, learning what an “acre” was, and watching lots of television. I may have even seen a unicorn on Sunday, but then again, that may have been the opium.
 

Another breathtaking exhibit at the National Candle Wax Museum.
 
Overall, I had a wonderful time in Nebraska. By the end of the weekend, I was sad to leave my new friends and the quiet solitude of a state that, unlike Delaware, actually exists. As soon as I get a chance I’m even going to write a personal thank you letter to each and every citizen of Nebraska, even if it takes me most of the afternoon.