Dear Mr. Goldsmith and Mr. Schlong,
 
Someone has some explaining to do.
 
This past weekend I went and saw Dance Flick at the AMC theaters in Culver City. I didn’t just see this film because everything the Wayans brothers touch is pure comedy gold. (This film is no exception. If there was any justice, they would win their lifetime achievement Oscar now.) I was also informed by my agent that the preview for our movie, New Moon, was being screened during the coming attractions.
 
Sure enough, my heart skipped a beat the moment I saw the Summit Entertainment logo pop up on the screen. It then occurred to me, as the preview began with that soaring shot over seaside cliffs, that after Dance Flick was over and the house lights came up, there was a real possibility that I would be recognized and mobbed by fans. I knew that fame was inevitable when I took this gig, but I had hoped to remain relatively obscure until the movie premiered in late November. Of course, I had forgotten there would be previews. The only thing I could do was take a deep breath and jump feet first into the world of celebrity. It’s the rite of passage of any movie star. Now was my time. 
 
Well, it appears I have nothing to worry about. And that’s because I am not in the preview. Nor does it appear I'm in the film at all. Very strange considering I was cast (by you, Mr. Goldsmith) as the lead vampire, Edward. Even worse, it seems like I’ve been lied to directly and that greasy-haired Robert Patterson is in fact back playing Edward. How could this have happened?
 
Well I immediately contacted my agent, who just happened to be working at the concession stand that day. Larry suggested that I contact you both directly as he had only a few minutes left on his break to get in a smoke and he wasn’t allowed personal calls while on the clock (something about safety and working around all that melted butter). So I called Summit Entertainment and was brushed off by a very rude receptionist who refused to even admit that she knew who either of you were. I then tried to contact each of you on your private numbers, both of which had been mysteriously disconnected. So now I’m forced to make this matter public and ask you both, producer Mr. Goldsmith and director Mr. Tom Schlong, why am I no longer the lead role in New Moon.
 
I am utterly devastated. I’ve been going over the events that led to this disaster again and again.  It took a lot of courage for me to answer your Craigslist ad looking for “a hot, sexy vampire.” I don’t have a lot of acting experience, but I decided to audition anyway just to build my own confidence and self-esteem after a particularly brutal breakup with my psycho ex-girlfriend. I even e-mailed you both naked pictures of myself after you convinced me that the nudity was in good taste and artistically integral to the part. (I don’t want to get personal here, but I have been burned by Craigslist before. Let’s just say T4M doesn’t stand for “teenager for male.”)
 
Needless to say, I was surprised when I called your offices and Mr. Schlong offered me a part in the new Twilight movie based solely on my pictures. Of course, at first I didn’t believe it. Edward was already being played by that Robert Patterson guy, but Mr. Schlong’s explanation that Robert was suffering from mononucleosis made sense for anyone who saw how pale he was in the first Twilight.
 
That first day I showed up on location in Calabasas and admittedly was a bit surprised at the cheap-looking set, but Mr. Schlong’s insistence that everything would be green-screened later seemed like a perfectly logical explanation. And any doubt about the legitimacy of this project was soon erased when my co-star showed up. Bad complexion, stringy hair, weird facial twitches, and no real acting ability to speak of, this woman was definitely Kristen Stewart.
 
What followed was three days of intense, grueling shooting, at least from what I remember. (Although I may have been suffering from some food poisoning because I don’t remember much.) I do know there was a lot of nudity involved and that somewhere in the middle of my “solo scene” I wondered how this was ever going to get a PG-13 rating. Luckily when I woke up on that street corner the next Monday I had some production stills on my phone: