Now what am I supposed to do? Do I really have to go all the way to Japan to get “Zomething different?” Besides, last time I was in Japan I tried something called Bukkake Light, and it was not very good. Maybe I should just quit drinking. If only it were that easy. Every time I go to an AA meeting, they kick me out for “not being a real alcoholic.”

And yes, I’ve tried to try other beverages. Strawberry Hill just isn’t the same. I really prefer my vomit to taste like nothing than to taste like strawberries.

My own words can’t really describe what I’m feeling right now, so I’ll use the words of Mr. Phil Collins from his classic Against All Odds:

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all...

In conclusion, here’s what I’d like to do to you, sirs and madams: I’d like to poop on your faces. And here’s what I will do: I will continue to write strongly worded letters until Zima is once again lining the shelves of my neighborhood 7-11. So please, for the love of God, reopen those Zima breweries. If you do, I will give you all hand jobs.

Nathan Jordan