By Henry Bean

(Ed. Note: While CraveOnline correspondent Nathan Jordan continues his sixth-month-long hiatus investigating Asian massage parlors, his dog, Henry Bean, will fill in as guest columnist.)



-I come from a long line of butt sniffers. Seriously, give me a few moments alone with your anus, and I can tell you what you’re going to have for dinner tomorrow.
 
-I’m holding open auditions for mouth squirrels this weekend. If you’re a local squirrel and you’d like to be in my mouth, show up at my place anytime Saturday or Sunday, and we’ll see how it works out. No pay, but I’m willing to offer college credit.
 

Look at this asshole, all delicious looking. 



-My penis tastes fantastic. 



-Hey, neighborhood dogs. Can’t keep your dinner down? Puke it on the sidewalk. I’ll eat it later. 



-I hate AIDS. Please vote against AIDS in your next election.



-Yeah, I was the one who bit the local retard. So what? 



-Let me just say that with black and white vision, it’s hard to tell the difference between a giant, dog-eating monster and a homeless guy’s shopping cart.
 

A test of my “run or bark” instinct.



-If I've learned anything in my 10 months on this planet, it's this-- stay away from Mexico. 
 
-Oh, I see, Nathan. I’m not allowed to urinate on the bed, but you can after you’ve had twelve shots of tequila.



-A dog is haunted by one question: "Should I roll in that or should I eat it?"
 
-I’m fascinated by the theory of relativity, wormholes, and time/space continuum, and how these concepts relate to keeping my tennis ball from rolling under the goddamned couch.
 

I’m convinced there’s treasure under there.
 
-I recently bought a gun. So far I’ve only shot the mailman. On two separate occasions.
 
-I know a dog who was once addicted to crystal meth. It made him look an entire year older.
 
-Trust me, poop smells unbelievable. I should know, I can smell 100 times better than you, asshole.


Henry Bean lives in West Hollywood and is published in over 40 countries and 37 languages. His book, Method and Theory in Industrial Archaeology, will be published in the Spring of '09.