By Jeremy Azevedo

Heroes is everyone’s favorite televised version of the X-Men since “The X-Men: The Animated Series”. And yet, despite having decades of mutants from which to rip off their character’s distinct abilities from, Season 4 has been doing an awful lot of recycling.

Invisibility? Seen it. Super speed? Seen it. Time/Space travel? F**king seen it! “What in the goddamn hell is going on here?!”,  a huge nerd like you might scream into his Superman body pillow. Well, I am here to tell you exactly what the goddamn hell is going on here, Junior: They have to cut 99% of the super-powered applicants for having powers that are completely and totally lame. Some people have the same abilities. It happens. How many people fly? How many have super strength? Lots, that’s how many. DO you know why? It’s because flying is awesome. Super strength is awesome. These other powers? Not so much.



Reginald “The Waterboy” Ferris has the unique ability to turn an otherwise ordinary glass of water into a glass of sparkling water at will. While not particularly dangerous, it is annoying. Because if people wanted sparkling water, they would have, you know, ordered it that way.

It bears mentioning that this power only works on about 12 ounces or less of standard tap water. Which is actually good news for the rest of us, because I’m pretty sure that an entire river, lake or ocean of sparkling water would be particularly damaging to the environment. Not to mention the fact that it’d probably just go flat in like a day, anyway.

Saul “The Hipster” Williamsburg possesses a power that is psychic in nature. It allows him to discharge a mental suggestion to any weak-willed individual in his vicinity to see everything that he says and does worthy of emulating. Within days of arriving in any recently gentrified white urban hipster environment, he will have turned nearly the entire population into his clone.

Say “The Hipster” rolls into town sporting a Ned Flanders mustache, wearing Hammer pants, a sombrero and neon green slap bracelets covering his arms, in a wheelchair, listening to “Grizzly Bear”, and speaking only in Pig Latin. Within moments, verybody-ay ill-way ee-bay alking-tay ike-lay is-tay. Ucking-fay ullshit-bay. I mean, who really likes Grizzly Bear?