By Dave Schilling

Halloween is upon us yet again and that means a few things: being forced to purchase and consume massive amounts of candy, women finding a good excuse to dress like a slut and my favorite, the venerable costume party.  I love a good costume party, because you get to find out just how creative your friends can be.

The costume party can be a good-natured competition between chums to see who can outdo the others.   Your buddy says he’s going to dress up as Richard Nixon, so you decide to be a tampon.  You wanna be a tampon?  Fine, then your friend is going as a USED tampon.  See how that works?  Gamesmanship.  Take it to the next level.  Be the best.

Halloween was a bit harder for me though.  All of my white friends got to be James Bond, Indiana Jones, Captain Kirk, etc.  Could I be any of those illustrious genre characters?  Absolutely not.  Why?  The sad reality of race.  There’s no way around it, is there?  You try to paint your face, you’re a bigot.  You wear a mask, no one knows who the hell you are all night.  Do nothing, and people just look at you like you farted anthrax. 

Who are you?
Oh, I’m Superman
Superman is not black, dude
Well, I’m Black Superman
You made that up…
*Tears*

That’s me EVERY F**KING YEAR!  I hate it.  There is no Black Superman.  James Bond and Captain Kirk are white dudes too.  Good luck finding any cool black superheroes either.  Blade?  I would not associate with Wesley Snipes.  Spawn?  Excuse me, but no girl will sleep with you dressed up like a burn victim.  Black Vulcan?  No one will believe you when you say you are straight.  And don’t you dare say “Nick Fury.”  Classic Marvel Universe only, please.  F**king nerds…

Fellow African descendents, hear me out.  You have options!  Don’t settle for a lame costume just because of the color of your skin.  Don’t be the thousandth black dude to be Barack Obama or OJ Simpson this year.  Ignore the easy choice of “professional athlete” or “rapper” or “drug dealer.”

Here are a few of my favorite costume ideas for the discerning African-American geek:

Axel Foley



Everyone loved Eddie Murphy at one point.  Granted, that point was mostly before I was even born, but don’t let that discourage you.  A simple hooded sweatshirt, old jeans and gray t-shirt will allow you to be Axel from Beverly Hills Cop.  A Detroit Lions letterman jacket and aviator sunglass makes you Axel from Beverly Hills Cop II.  A briefcase full of cash, an entourage of terrified personal assistants and a bored look on your face is all you need to be Axel Foley from Beverly Hills Cop III.