By Harmon Leon

Scorpio: (Oct. 24 -- Nov. 21)

Your interaction and perception of others is highly colored by your past experiences. This is especially true if you spent time in the past in a maximum security prison. Get over this by giving a new friend a handmade license plate. Fear insects.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 -- Dec. 21)

You may channel some of your feelings into creative or artistic, work, something that evokes and expresses your deepest self. Enter your refrigerator of all the luncheon meat, and express yourself by creating a “meat-sculpture.” Sing opera while doing so. Children laugh at you!

Capricorn: (Dec. 22 -- Jan. 19)

You seek emotional depths - a very moving piece of music, an especially intimate, heart-to-heart connection with a friend or loved one, or some emotional thrill. Tell strangers on the bus your true feelings. Cry on their shoulders. If they resist, cry harder. See what a paper cut on your tongue feels like.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20 --Feb. 18)

Errors in judgment, due to personal prejudices or emotion, are apt to occur.  Errors in math, due to low calculator batteries, are apt to occur. Errors in spelling, due to being a fuck-wit, are apt to occur. March on Washington!

Pisces: (Feb. 19 -- March 20)

A woman can act as a benefactor to you. And that woman is Suddenly Susan star Brooke Shields. Remember her from Blue Lagoon? Snort ants.

Aries: (March 21 -- April 19)

This is an excellent time to investigate a complex problem or mystery, look for something that has been lost or hidden. Investigate these mysteries in a van and call it the “Mystery Machine.” Blame your problems on “those meddling teenagers.” Point at midgets,

Taurus: (April. 20 -- May 20)

Your ability to concentrate on mundane concerns and problems will diminish. Instead concentrate on the players and batting averages of the 1994 Minnesota Twins. Don a baseball uniform and go to a house of worship. A computer chip will be planted in your head.

Gemini: (May 21 -- June 21)

Emotional outbursts and impatience are likely. You're in a combative, energetic mood. Release these combative, energetic moods by trying to break a World Record on the trampoline. Go for either endurance or greatest amount of injury achieved in this field. Change your name to “Cindy.”

Cancer: (June 22 --July 22)

You have a special magnetism and attractive power, and are feeling intensely loving. Use your magnetic, attractive power to start a very intense, sexual relationship with a small bowl of grapes. Blind yourself with long needles.

Leo: (July 23 -- August 22)

You are motivated to work at resolving any ongoing problems you may be dealing with, but apt to be rather irritable and edgy. Scream at co-workers for looking at you wrong. See the movie “Fight Club” and start your very own Fight Club. Change your name to “Sharon.”

Virgo: (Aug. 23 -- Sept. 22)

Your feelings are intense and compelling. Describe your feelings in an intense poem which should be read at a coffee shop. Wear a black beret while reading this poem. Call the poem, “Ode To One Compelling Motherfucker.” Visit a medical waste dump.

Libra: (Sept. 23 -- Oct. 23)

Your inner feelings and need for love and closeness emerge very strongly. Take this time to revisit your inner-child. Go on a field trip with your inner-child. Talk out loud to your inner-child in public. Weep in cower.

 Harmon Leon is FreedomHaters.org