By Harmon Leon

Scorpio: (Oct. 24 -- Nov. 21)

Being secure in yourself can help you accept the differences that others throw at you without a flinch. For example, be more accepting of people with red hair. I know they’re not like us, but try to be nicer to these “red heads.” Make musical instruments out of bones.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 -- Dec. 21)

Compromise is always helpful and working with others requires your constant cooperation. Compromise all that you hold sacred, especially your integrity. Negotiate things on your knees, in a puddle of tears. Go fishing.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22 -- Jan. 19)

Steer clear of the office gossip mill; whether you're telling or agreeing it could damage your rep on the job or at least be a distraction. In fact, if you find yourself gossiping, punish yourself by slamming your hand in a desk drawer. This will remind you that office gossip is bad. Write letters to prisoners.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20 --Feb. 18)

Taking some time alone early in the week can help you finish projects and get ready for a new cycle of activity. Especially finish your plan for world domination. Examine your toes.

Pisces: (Feb. 19 -- March 20)

You're excellent at socializing and people appreciate your easy going warmth and originality. Accent this by wearing a new tuxedo and top hat, except, here’s the twist; don’t wear shoes! Collect body fluids.

Aries: (March 21 -- April 19)

Feeling overly obligated to friends can limit your personal progress, yet working only on your own won't accomplish much. Resolve this by adopting several inner-city children. Name them all after Abe Vigoda. UFOs watch you.

Taurus: (April. 20 -- May 20)

While your ambitions are calling you out into the world, there's something at home that needs attention. And that something is your George Foreman Hamburger Grill. Mmmmm, it makes tasty burgers with very little grease! Mmmmmm! Your grandma is a bitch!

Gemini: (May 21 -- June 21)

This week officially starts party season; you can be yourself and enjoy the spotlight, but if you're too easy-going with the cash, you could be fooling yourself. Don’t, and I repeat don’t, waste your money by buying turtles. Use restraint.

Cancer: (June 22 --July 22)

Getting all your errands done may be a top priority early in the week. Clear thinking can help you take care of communications and anything else that needs mental energy. Try to bend spoons with your mind. This will require much mental energy. Stare at the spoon and think, “Bend!” Shave your tongue.

Leo: (July 23 -- August 22)

If anything can go wrong with travel and communications early this week, it just might; so make sure you're extra clear if you want your message to be understood. Buy a big chalkboard and write your message over and over again, 300 times. When you get done with that, erase the chalkboard and start again. Repeat this process several times. Dine on a diet of raisins.

Virgo: (Aug. 23 -- Sept. 22)

It's not how much you earn, but how much you enjoy earning it and how serious you are about a long-term commitment.  Take up a paper route. It’s very enjoyable. The fresh air, the fun of riding a bike. “Hello Paperboy!” people will say. Learn to curse in Chinese.

Libra: (Sept. 23 -- Oct. 23)

This is an ideal time for major purchases and transactions, although you may be giving more thought to long-term investments. Go online and buy things you don’t need. Buy hats of every color from over 7 different countries. Reorganize your sock drawer.

 Harmon Leon is FreedomHaters.org