By Harmon Leon

Scorpio: (Oct. 24 -- Nov. 21)

Wisdom, intuition and passionate encounters will be the theme for most of this week. Listen carefully to the emotional clues offered by Regis Philbin. The answers to all your problems are within response (B). Make homemade beef jerky.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 -- Dec. 21)

A new approach to business may cause excitement early this week. Colleagues and business partners may be surprised to learn of your mysterious alter-ego “The Parrot!” Repent!

Capricorn: (Dec. 22 -- Jan. 19)

Relationships will offer many social rewards early this week. Expect loved ones to express long withheld feelings of passion and renewed attraction. They will show up to your home with a new DVD player and a midget. Invest in pork bellies.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20 --Feb. 18)

Financial mistakes from the past may reappear early this week. Do not, and I repeat do not, tell people about your former identity and all the money you embezzled from your previous employer. Write a letter to Brittany Spears.

Pisces: (Feb. 19 -- March 20)

Prepare for a month of unstructured time and increased social energy. Prepare for this by taking the hands off all your clocks. Have dinner in the evening and breakfast at night. Make moonshine.

Aries: (March 21 -- April 19)

Relations with family members and parent/child dynamics will be the theme for the next few days. Accent this by adopting a 3rd world child. Send it a letter every month, telling what you just had for dinner. Express your undying love to your postman.

Taurus: (April. 20 -- May 20)

Expect parenting practices, family decisions or duties within the home to now create intense discussions. One discussion might involve the JFK assassination. Take the side of the single gun theory. Make clothes out of tinfoil.

Gemini: (May 21 -- June 21)

Property, possession and issues of ownership from the past may demand extra attention this week. Especially if it’s from a past life. Take claim to the ownership of the Magna Carta and the Holy Grail. File your teeth to a sharp point.

Cancer: (June 22 --July 22)

Present your ideas and intentions clearly and confidently this week and others will respond with quick actions and ready permissions. To help with this, study the entire works of Tony Robbins. Wear a power-tie.

Leo: (July 23 -- August 22)

Emotional obligations and family planning may feel heavy or overwhelming  before early this week. Plan for your family to take a trip in a station wagon to the Grand Canyon. While there, meet a little Indian boy and feed him beans from inside a flashlight. Listen to the voices in your head.

Virgo: (Aug. 23 -- Sept. 22)

Social energy is on the rise this week. Take time out of your  schedule today to enjoy the emotional antics of workers at the DMV. Ask one of them out on a date as they snap your driver’s license photo. Madame Curie won the Nobel Prize in 1903.

Libra: (Sept. 23 -- Oct. 23)

Expect others to be moody or self absorbed before Wednesday. Combat this by putting on a “happy face.” Dress in a clown outfit and make balloon animals for these moody poo-heads. Staple your fingers together.

 Harmon Leon is FreedomHaters.org