If you answered mostly A: Rest easy, you are not a hipster. But be on your guard, because as we have discussed previously, hipsterism is a cancerous and amorphous thing that may change its appearance at any time. You may not even know that it has its hooks in you until it’s too late.

If you answered mostly B: You are on a very slippery slope, my friend. However, with therapy and loosened pants, you may yet have a chance at a normal life.

If you answered mostly C: You are a hipster. This may come as a surprise to you, but not to anyone that has ever met you, talked to you, or even just seen you in passing. You are probably beyond help at this point, and will probably die at a young age in a fixed-gear bicycle accident in Silverlake or Williamsburg.


Almost certainly rode his "fixie" to the park that day, while drinking a sparks.

If you answered mostly D: Holy crap, you are a super hipster through and through. You probably have a secret knowledge of this already, though you most likely haven’t come out to your parents about it yet. Your record collection (you have a record collection) is positively dripping with irony, as is your carefully collected wardrobe of vintage scene wear. Your hair hangs limply over your eyes, threatening to catch fire in the embers of your Parliament cigarette. You are sexually ambiguous, yet probably not bisexual. You have hundreds of acquaintances but no actual friends, as your personality is an ever-changing Frankenstein’s monster made of Vice ads, NPR quotes and indie music blog reviews. Dov Charney is your JFK. Right now, you are reading this on your iPhone while drinking vodka from a clear plastic water bottle at a Justice concert.

What do I do if I am a hipster?

If you discover that you are, in fact, afflicted with the Hipster Immunodeficiency Virus, the first thing to remember is not to panic. You may feel tempted to tell your parents right away, but if you are the recipient of a monthly trust fund stipend (there is a 50% chance of this if you are a hipster) then it is probably in your best interest not to until you first receive treatment.


Hipsters on a safari or undercover social anthropologists?

Some popular methods of deprogramming hipsters range from listening to classic rock without a sense of irony, pants stretching, drinking whiskey instead of Sparks and watching television (hipsters all claim to not own a television, which we all know is a lie because they all own a Wii). Also recommended is shaving your beard/mustache/vagina and getting  a job.

How do I avoid becoming a victim of the hipster apocalypse in the future?

Reading this article is a good first step. Also, you should avoid any place of business in which there are ten or more visible fedora caps or any other strange type of hat (bowler, newsie, top hat, etc.). Free vodka bars should also be avoided (it's bottom shelf anyway, you're not missing anything). Definitely stay away from any gathering of people that is wearing enough neon to be visible from space, as well as any concert in SIlverlake or Echo Park that involves "old school hip hop" at which there is not a single ethnic minority within a ten block radius.

If all else fails, move to the midwest.