By Harmon Leon

Life's a big party! Or, as the French say, "Life's a une grand soiree!" And those of us who exhibit majestic charm, will more likely be the master of ceremonies at that big party.

Unfortunately, some of you might be less magnetic than others. What then!? Or perhaps some you might have a misshapen skull or a claw for a foot? Then what? Hopefully this guide "How To Be Utterly Charming" will help your charming inner-self shine for all to see.

CHAPTER ONE

BECOMING A CONVERSATION MASTER

 

Having the gift of gab will put the world at your feet. Carrying on an eloquent conversation is your charm calling card to the world. Here are a  few key tips:

RULE #1

TALK ABOUT THINGS WHICH YOU HAVE IN COMMON

This will establish bond and rapport with your conversation partner. Your talkfest will flow like fine French champagne.

RASPUTIN: Hey, Mike. I notice we both have misshapen skull.

MIKE: Yes, Rasputin. And also, we both have opposable thumbs!

RASPUTIN: Yes! It makes it much easier to grip things.

MIKE: I guess those are two things which we have in common!

RASPUTIN: Yes! Ha-Ha-Ha!

MIKE: Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!

RASPUTIN: Maybe there are other things we have in common which we can talk about?

MIKE: Hey, I think you're right. First of all, we are both wearing lederhosen.

RASPUTIN: Yes! And not only are we both wearing lederhosen, but we're both serving hard-time in this Maximum Security Prison.

MIKE: That's right, both serving time for the crime of.....…

MIKE & RASPUTEN: .......KILLING BOY SCOUTS!!!

They high-five.

Notice how the conversation became truly enjoyable when it was discovered that the two both had committed the same crime-killing Boy Scouts.

RULE #2

FLATTER YOUR CONVERSATION PARTNER

Everyone enjoys hearing a good compliment. That goes without saying. Notice in the following, how eloquent this conversation becomes when spiced with compliments.

BEARDED LADY: That is a marvelous red shirt you're wearing today, Tiny.

TINY: Thank you. I think you are nice! A niceness that is accented al the more by your lovely facial hair.

BEARDED LADY: Oh Tiny, please! You are making me blush like a bearded schoolgirl. I have to admit your child-like, peanut-sized body makes you a giant amongst the circus freaks!

As you can see, when compliments fly through the air, people can go on for hours with conversation vigor.

RULE #3

AVOID PROFANITY!

A sour word can put a damper on even the most eloquent of conversations. It will leave your conversation partner with a most unpleasant taste in their mouth.

MATTHEW #1: I believe it was Shakespeare who said, "All the world's a stage, we merely players."

MATTHEW #2: Why, he did indeed. He also said "If music be the food of love, play on."

MATTHEW #1: Fuck! Shit! Piss! Titties! Titties!

MATTHEW #2: Excuse me. Our eloquent conversation is now over!

RULE #4

TALK ABOUT PIE

Everyone enjoys pie. That goes without saying. The next best thing to eating pie is talking about pie. Therefore, the basis for a good conversation should be one centered around the topic of pie.

HE: I like how pies are round shaped!

SHE: Yes, but if a pie were square or octagon shaped, I would most likely still enjoy it.

HE: And there's so many different sorts of pies to chose from. Why there's apple, blueberry, banana cream......

SHE: Not to mention peach, rhubarb and raspberry!

HE: So true! Pie-loving lady, will you marry me?

SHE: Only if our wedding will involve pie!

HE & SHE: Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!

See how mentioning pie can make for an enjoyable conversation. You might notice through pie-interaction, these two strangers found true love.

CHAPTER TWO

CHARMING EXERCISES

Unfortunately, not all of us are gifted with the blessing of natural charm. For the less fortunate charm must be cultivated, much like a garden or orchard. Only these fruits and vegetables get invited to a lot more parties and social events. Here are a few exercises which will help bring out your hidden charm.

EXERCISE #1

PAVLOVIAN CHARM

Items Needed:

 1) a small bell or buzzer‘
 2) a box of your favorite snacks
 3) a large pin or needle

In order to bring about a natural state of charm, certain rewards and punishments are in order.

Example: You are at a social gathering. A young debutante sneezes. You immediately pull out a hanky and present to her. Ring your small bell or buzzer and immediately reward yourself with your favorite snack.

On the reverse side. Let's say another debutante sneezes. You react by shouting abuse then turning the fire extinguisher on her. Indeed not charming behavior. No rewards here! Punish yourself with a sharp poke with a large pin. No snacks!

EXERCISE #2

POSITIVE SUGGESTION

For one hour each day, stand in front of a full-length mirror holding a half-dozen roses while wearing a tuxedo. Repeat the following phrases:

"I am very charming!"
"I am the life of any party!"
"Witty things come from my lips!"
"May I have this next dance."
"Look at my nice tuxedo!"
"People who are different scare me!"
"Do you like pie?"

One hour each day might seem like a long time, but hey, it's charm we're talking about. Work it!

CHAPTER THREE

DRESS FOR CHARM! (FORMAL OCCASIONS)

A black tuxedo is always appropriate. Always wear with socks. Never go barefooted. Top hats are ok. Avoid hats with racist slogans.

TWO COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. When should white be worn?
A. White clothing should only be worn after May 17th.

Q. When should a Chicken Suit be worn?
A. Either at a costume party or a play involving large chickens.

CHAPTER FOUR

CHARM EXTRAS

Here are a few other additions you can add to your brand new charming persona:

1) COSMETIC SURGERY: This will make you as magnetic as Michael Jackson!

2) CIGARETTES: This will give you the savvy of James Bond!

3) FRENCH LESSON: It's always charming to "Parley" a little "Francois". Spice your vocabulary with a few French words. Call a dog, "a chien". Refer to blood as "sang".

4) DENTAL SURGERY: This goes without saying.

5) HAVE A "CHARM COMING-OUT-PARTY": Here's a few suggestions:

  a) Throw a party in a lavish hotel.
  b) Throw a party and jump out of a cake.
  c) Throw a party and lock all the doors until everyone confirms your charm.

Well that's it! I congratulate you on your newfound charm. Until next time, Au Revoir!

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