• 50 Cent can’t give his album away

Rap star Fitty Cent was seen recently at a Walmart in Idaho attempting to make a group of kids take his album, for free. The MC stopped forcing his music on unsuspecting teens when the authorities were called. On a separate note Tony Yayo was apprehended for taking one of the kids’ lunch money.

• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon divorce, remarry, divorce, and then re-marry again.

When reached for comment Nick Cannon had this to say, “Man I love to hate that bitch, she’s already accused me of cheating six times and I haven’t left her sight!” All Nick Cannon wants to know is, “Can a brotha go to the bathroom…damn!”

• Triple Six mafia makes real deal with the devil

In order to avoid copyright infringement and eternal damnation, the rappers have agreed to work for Satan’s new label. Joining the group will be LFO (the Abercrombie & Fitch guys), Snow, and D4L. When reached for comment Satan had this to say, “ZOMFG!!!!!!!! hahahahahaha” With that the lord of darkness killed one our interns.

• Chuck Norris to star in reality TV Show… of death

In his new reality TV show Chuck Norris will travel the country looking for tough guys and fighting them to the death. The working title for the series is Chuck Norris will f**cking kill you. So far there have been 13 deaths related to the show, and none of them are Chuck Norris.

• Marvel announces ‘Ambush Bug’ for summer release

With the success of Iron Man yet another movie has been announced this week. Ambush Bug is a lesser know character that Marvel rarely uses but Marvel execs have high hopes. “Those silly bastards will watch anything we put our name on, hell they’ll watch me take this dump!” Apparently the Marvel exec dump scene will run after the closing credits of the movie.