The Retard


Brilliant performance art or dangerously unhygienic

The Retard is in art school only because it’s so difficult to find a babysitter for a grown man with a propensity for making decorative macaroni pictures. Art school is the perfect place for a complete and total spazz, because while it may be easy to spot a tard in a Molecular Biology or English Literature class, it’s significantly less so in an art class where the line between genius and mongoloid is a very thin one indeed. There ought to be grades given out for holding in your laughter when The Retard presents their projects, because it’s one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in art school.

The Housewife


So... Goddamn... Creepy...

This sad creature is in her late 40’s has been a housewife all her life, hasn’t spoken to her husband in years, and hasn’t gotten laid in decades. The Housewife is looking for meaning in her empty life by exploring her creative side. You would expect an expression of utter nihilism from such an empty, broken subject, but instead what you get is insipid flower paintings and photographs of other people’s babies. The Housewife will almost certainly come on to you in some fumbling and desperate manner, but do not confuse The Housewife with a “Cougar”. They are not even the same species, and even The Virgin would not let one of these hankmonsters climb on top of them.