By Dave Schilling

CraveOnline prides itself in being a free forum for great thinkers to do stuff like…think and stuff.  Unless you’ve had your head up Marshal McLuhan’s ass for the last 5 years, you’d know that print is a dying medium and the internet is the future of information dissemination.

Unlike a fascist dirt sheet like The New York Times, CraveOnline gives voice to such intellectual bright lights as myself, Nathan Jordan, Jeremy Azevedo and John Oates’s mustache.  Where the Times is stuck publishing work from Pultizer Prize-winning journalists, we are free to share with you the thoughts of David Beckham’s mother, Bristol Palin or a dog; to wax poetic on the joys of the Daewoo Lanos.

As a continuation of this noble tradition, I am sticking it directly to the “Gray Lady” herself.  Last week, I received a package from a friend/former lover of mine at The New York Times.  She will remain nameless, but her first name starts with “Maureen” and her last name starts with “Dowd.” 

Secret lovers

The package contained a lengthy manifesto that I poured over during the weekend.  Apparently, this was a piece meant for the Times Op-Ed section, but was unceremoniously rejected.  Why it was rejected remains a mystery to me.  My theories:

1. It was too controversial for publication.
2. It was written with lipstick.
3. The New York Times Op-Ed section does not publish pictures.
4. It was written by pop star, Lady Gaga.

None of these theories have been substantiated, but as this is the internet, and fact-checking is frowned upon, I have assumed it is #4 on my list.

Ms. Gaga chose to tackle a subject that bristles with controversy: health care reform.  She does so ably and with a great command of the language.  As you read the following Opinion piece, I think you will see that the Times was wrong to suppress Gaga’s right to her feelings. 

I have reached out to Ms. Gaga’s publicist, and we are currently working out a deal to bring her on as a special correspondent for Crave.  If all goes well, you will be able to enjoy many more of her insights into public policy and governance.

THE FOLLOWING IS UNEDITED AND HAS BEEN TRANSCRIBED WORD-FOR-WORD FROM THE SOURCE MATERIAL

THE NEED FOR A PUBLIC OPTION
By Lady Gaga



As a celebrity, many on the Right will doubt my intelligence as soon as they see the byline on this Op-Ed piece.  I believe that to be a shame; further proof of the mental deficiency that poisons our nation.  I happen to have been trained at Juilliard and attended New York University.   You can ignore the fact that I didn’t graduate.  I attended.  Woody Allen dropped out of NYU too.  He’s smart.  That means I’m smart too, so please, save your righteous indignation.

As such, I believe myself to be adequately qualified to discuss the political hot-button issues that plague the United States.  The fact that a Republican can look at my space-age outfits, sexually suggestive videos and analyze my borderline retarded lyrics and assume they know me is the height of hubris.  As I said famously, you can’t read my Poker Face.  Our 3rd president, George Jefferson himself, could not have said it better.