Let me begin by saying that I am not currently, nor at any time have I been employed by Clear Channel, Viacom, the FCC, Howard Stern or any kind of radio, terrestrial, extra-terrestrial or otherwise. I’m paid for my opinions, but by no means are they influenced by those who sign my paychecks.

In tenth-grade art class, I sat across from a kid named Derek. Everyone thought Derek was batshit crazy because he never spoke to anyone but was constantly, quietly laughing under the hood of the black sweatshirt he never seemed to take off.
 
One day I noticed the earphone wires reaching from under his shirt to his ears, and I finally asked him what it was that had him laughing so hard every day. He just looked at me like I was an idiot. “Stern, man,” he said,  “He’s the best thing ever.” He reached up, removed his earphones and handed them to me.
My life was never quite the same.

It’s been thirteen years since that day, and I’ve been a loyal Howard Stern listener all the while. Just over a year ago I made the move to Sirius Satellite Radio along with Stern and his crew, and not since Sally Struthers sobbed her way into our wallets to save the children has 43 cents a day had such an impact.

In addition to more listening variety than anyone could ever possibly want, subscribers now have twenty-four hour access to completely uncensored Howard Stern broadcasting. Even more impressive, Stern came away from a $500 million breach-of-contract lawsuit brought on by former employer CBS not only unscathed, but with his own personal holy grail: twenty years’ worth of tapes from his career on terrestrial radio. This means we’ll be able to relive two decades of Stern’s rants, groundbreaking interviews, song parodies and hilarious bits…the list of gems is endless.

When Stern signed on, Sirius had roughly 600,000 subscribers to rival XM Satellite Radio’s 2.5 million. The goal was for Stern to help the company reach a subscriber base of 3.5 million by the end of 2006, enabling the company to move into the black. Having crushed those predictions with a subscriber base 6 million strong, Sirius rewarded Stern with a year-end stock bonus worth $83 million.

As the momentum shifted from XM to Sirius in 2006, critics everywhere began scrambling to discredit his impact, citing, above all, the falling Sirius stock prices. The indisputable fact is that Stern was the reason Sirius beat subscriber predictions by 2.5 million, and the drop in stock value has come largely from reports of dissatisfaction with XM Satellite service.

However, bottom-feeding naysayers such as MSNBC’s Patrick Enright continue to downplay Stern’s impact, going so far as to say that “Sirius’ hiring of the famous host did almost nothing to give it a leg up on the competition.” This spin artist is so full of shit it’s nearly bursting from his every orifice. Not only has Stern brought a controversial household name to satellite radio, but he brought with him a pre-existing and ferociously loyal fanbase that he has cultivated over the span of two decades. He has appeared on a barrage of talk shows since his move to Sirius, bringing unprecedented exposure to a new media outlet that has been a benefit to both Sirius and XM. Furthermore, while the majority of XM’s subscriber base cites music content as their reason for buying, a full third of Sirius subscribers list Howard as their motivating reason for signing up.

Throughout his illustrious career, the media has made an art form out of discrediting and disrespecting Stern. One recurring thing keeps happening year after year: regardless of his accomplishments, no matter what the numbers say, he is derided in the mainstream media and painted as a filthy degenerate. Dubbed a “shock jock” early on, Stern’s reputation for pushing any and all boundaries have reached near mythical status, and his list of enemies is unfathomably long.

The value of his show comes from his own naturally entertaining, honest opinions on today’s issues. They may be shocking, but perhaps that’s because he says the things we’re used to thinking but not hearing.

That’s not to say that we’ve all got a secret desire to weigh the excrement of a morbidly obese man with the voice of Mickey Mouse, or convince an elderly porn star to climb atop a sex toy not unlike a mechanical bull. I’m saying it’s cool to have the option.

The fact is, Stern represents every one of us that would love to have a soapbox to stand on when we want to be heard, to be able to bring the strangest corners of our imaginations to life.

There is no doubt that Stern is single-handedly responsible for the voice of talk radio today. All the wacky morning shows that currently fill morning drive-time airwaves are no more than faded, bad copies of the original. Each and every one of them so shamelessly traces Howard’s steps that they don’t deserve further mention here. Just turn on your radio as you drive to work in the morning and scan through the FM dial; you’ll see exactly what I mean.

The formula for Howard’s show isn’t much different than the others; what has always separated his show from the rest is originality of content and the refined, honed personalities on the show. Howard was there first. He set the mold, and has remained uncompromisingly consistent in his approach throughout the years. His secret is that he works his ass off, and he cares about the people around him. His unparalleled loyalty, his devotion to those closest to him and his generosity are his most admirable traits.

His move to Sirius made headlines everywhere; the man who for so many years had been so reviled, so thoroughly crucified by conservative media, signed a five-year deal worth $500 million. Nobody could possibly have imagined such an investment in any personality, much less a controversy poster-boy like Stern.

Howard’s announced move to satellite was met with a frantic effort by terrestrial radio to one-up their departing cash-cow. Thus, “Free Radio” was born, as well as a national tidal wave of programming shifts designed to be a distraction from the undeniable absence of the King Of All Media. In a disturbing display of panic and confirmation of the fact that he has no idea how to run a radio station, CBS Chairman and CEO Joel Hollander hired and fired Van Halen vocalist and talk radio newcomer David Lee Roth in the span of three months. Howard Stern has left a void that no single broadcaster could possibly fill.

Incredibly, the dinosaurs at terrestrial radio (and their far-reaching affiliates) continue a relentless smoke-and-mirrors campaign attempting to discredit Stern and his cohorts, even keeping alive the blasphemously false rumor that Stern will one day return to the FCC empire of terrestrial radio.

Without neurotic program directors and the FCC, Stern now ironically serves as the voice of restraint for his own show. He is out to prove that his show is more than lesbianism and vulgarity, even putting a no-swearing rule on himself for a period. He also recently opted not to pursue a bit about chloroforming a willing staffer and prank-call wizard Richard Christy for fun, only days before a young woman died as a result of a water-drinking contest a local fm station was holding.

Another angle critics use when attempting to downplay what is clearly the peak of  Stern’s broadcasting career is the notion that he is no longer a Man Of The People, because he has no more dragons to slay. His battles with the FCC are legendary, but they’re over. The fire of Stern’s wit and wisdom may have been fueled largely by his difficulties with censors in the past, but by no means should that suggest that he has nothing left to say in their absence. He’s funnier than ever, he’s edgier than ever, and he’s got no less fire than he ever did on terrestrial radio. The difference is, for the first time in many, many years, the guy’s happy.

There may be fewer Stern listeners out there than there used to be, but it’s only been a year since he moved to Sirius. Give ‘em time. Satellite radio isn’t going anywhere. Driving to work each morning, you can tell who already has Sirius by more than the receiver on their dashboard. They’re the ones that still laugh their asses off all the way to work.