By Jeremy Azevedo

Last week we examined some of the various characters that make up the landscape of art school, a magical place where people go for four to six years to escape reality and fritter away their parents' money so that they can tell their fellow mortgage brokers that they "used to be a really talented artist" years later when their family cuts them off and they're forced to get a real job.

Now you might ask yourself: "Gee whiz, is everyone that goes to art school an egocentric idiot with a funny haircut that exists in a fantasy world of their own making, oblivious to the fact that people don't actually get paid to paint pictures of their nuts, and even if they did, they sure wouldn't have learned how to do it in a school that charges double what a regular school would charge to learn something that's actually useful?" The short answer is an emphatic "yes", but since that was a very long question, the long answer lies withing the following profiles:

The Emotional Wreck


Way, way, waaaaay too much information. Every time.

The Emotional Wreck thinks that art school is like their therapy or something. Science is unable to explain why it is that The Emotional Wreck doesn’t just go see an actual therapist, which would not only be much cheaper, but also much more effective. The Emotional Wreck will always make the rest of the class uncomfortable with her film about being raped by her father, or her interior design project that reflects her uterus experiencing a third trimester miscarriage.

The Narcissist


I would have shooped my ears a little smaller, had it been me...

At least one person in every class in art school is a Narcissist. Every project by The Narcissist will be a self-portrait of some sort. The Narcissist is in art school to “take a swim in lake me” or some such bullshit. Not surprisingly, The Narcissist is also a chronic masturbator.

The Hax0r


This is what hax0rz look like in the future.

Real hackers don’t go to school. They sit in front of their computer all day and all night, jacking it to CP on 4chan and never, ever appearing in public places. The Hax0r is a poser hacker that looks the part, but doesn’t have the skills to make an ATM withdraw, let alone orchestrate a DDOS attack on a major corporate-run server. The Hax0r is easily distinguished by their frail and pasty appearance, unkept, greasy hair, bad teeth and early 90s goth/industrial wear. The Hax0r wears fingerless gloves in the winter. The Hax0r wears fingerless gloves in the summer, too. The Hax0r pretends to hate the “Xtreme!” marketing campaigns of Mountain Dew and Red Bull. Ironically, The Hax0r’s entire diet consists of Mountain Dew and Red Bull.

The Motherf**ker Who Already Knows How To Do Everything But Is There To Make Everyone Else Look Like An Idiot When They’re Trying To Learn Something


Oh hi guys! Are you here to see my eleventy-billionth art show of the season?

This motherf**ker already knows how to do everything, but comes to art school anyway to show off and make everyone else look like an idiot when they're trying to learn something (hence the name). But don’t get too upset… The real reason that this person is even in school is because they can’t make it in the real world. Why, you ask? Because they’re such a dick!

The Musician


Wanna hear me do a 30 minute Dragon Force solo? Unplugged?

No rock star that I know of ever went to college. Despite this fact, lots of talentless hacks flock to art school each year to learn how to express their annoying personal problems musically in coffee shops across America. The Musician would probably be able to get pussy by playing guitar badly for sorority girls at a real college, but that shit doesn’t fly at art school. Pray to J that this loser doesn’t end up as your roommate, unless you like seeing someone air guitaring (on a real guitar!) to Pink Floyd every time you have a girl over and they’ve got a couple of Zimas in ‘em.

The Hype Machine


Remember that guy that had ears surgically implanted on his body? Yeah me neither.

This guy did an honest to goodness, really and truly brilliant art piece… four years ago. The Hype Machine peaks early, and hangs around to bask in their own glory for as long as humanly possible. In the end, the Hype Machine is never able to re-create their former success, and will eventually evolve into “That One Guy That Killed Himself Last Year” that everybody sorta remembers but isn’t quite sure why.

The Fashionista


The only girls in art school that shave their armpits and generally avoid facial piercings.

The fashionista is an insufferable cunt that thinks that because she can afford to buy expensive clothes with daddy’s credit card, that she is also qualified to design clothes for other overpriveleged ninnies to spend other people’s money on. The funniest thing about this is that most of the really successful designers are gay Italian dudes, so they’re all pretty much wasting their time. That having been said, The Fashionista will be your best friend in art school, because they are the only girls who actually give a crap about their appearance, and somebody has to smack that ass, so it may as well be you. There certainly aren’t any other straight dudes in the fashion department to worry about, that’s for sure.

The “Street” Artist


Pictured: The "Federline" of the art world. Yee-ahh, boyee!

Lets just make one thing perfectly clear: there is absolutely nothing “street” about paying twenty thousand dollars a semester to go to f**king art school. Not one thing. And yet there are always these people going around telling everyone that they’re from “the hood”, “keeping it real”, etc. They probably do graffiti or make films in the style of Spike Lee. They all think “Kids” was “like, the best movie of our generation”. Even if they’re not from the generation depicted in “Kids”. The “Street” Artist is always at least 90% white. When forced to comment on the work of this misguided cultural adopter, repeat the following phrase and then try and walk away as quickly as possible without bursting with laughter: “Yeah dawg, that’s hella tight. I feel that”.

Read Part 1 of Jerkoffs You Are Sure to meet in Art School