By Nathan Jordan

Hello, loyal readers! It’s good to be back and keeping you up to date on all of the latest, juiciest Hollywood gossip! Of course I'm sure many of you may have heard whispers about the nature of my little sabbatical, but I’d like to assure everyone that the treatments were a success!

And while paranoid schizophrenia is nothing to laugh at, as I long as I remain on medication I should be fine. But the last thing I want to be is part of the story, so on with this week’s edition of Star Gazing!
 
Spotted! None other than JENNIFER ANISTON and COURTNEY COX spending some girl time together while shopping on Robertson Blvd.  Seems Friends do last forever!
 
Word on the glittering streets of Hollywood is that BRITNEY SPEARS is about to get into the restaurant business.  The location and name remain unknown, but the cuisine is rumored to be Cajun, of course!
 

You go, girl!
 
Blind item: This supposedly-classy A-list TV actor has been doing the unmentionable with his C-list co-star. Too bad she’s married!
 
I sat down for lunch with CHRISTINA RICCI at the Ivy recently and asked her, “If it rained upside down, would planes look more like boats?”
 
Word on the street is that CHRISTINA RICCI employs only the strongest and meanest of body guards.
 
I can hear PENELOPE CRUZ think. No, Penelope, if someone sticks their foot in your mouth, you have no chance of getting athletes foot on your tongue. And I won’t sleep with you no matter how bad you want it.
 

Her eyes are tearing through my skull.
 
Apparently the town is abuzz with news that ASHLEE SIMPSON has been sleeping in my bathtub. I noticed because her elbows have been very soft lately.
 
Blind item: This seldom used hot dog condiment has been speaking to me through my pet hamster. Too bad he’s married!
 
TOM CRUISE has been throwing cups of human feces at my front door. I have it on video. But someone stole the video. The spinach is dancing.
 
Spotted! BEN AFFLECK and JENNIFER GARDNER eating lunch at Mozza, sharing a salad and looking happy and completely in love.
 

The lovebirds at a recent ball game. I saw this game in my little finger.
 
DIANE LANE is made of black bile and salamder vomit. I know because unmovable space thrives in quadrants of nothingness.
 
GEMINI GARGOYLE!
 
Does anyone else think that MILEY CYRUS should go blonde again?
 
Well, that’s all for this week’s Star Gazing. Until next week keep your eyes peeled for celebs and your soul away from the shadow people that keep following me!