By The Most Pissed-Off Dude In The World

We live in a sick, sad world, in which people do the sorts of things that would make Caligula blush on a daily basis.

Despite the fact that there are numerous other things that should warrant our immediate attention, there are countless people willing to instead devote obscene amounts of time and money toward deciding whether or not certain people can legally get hitched. True story!



Two gay people getting married is hardly shocking or inappropriate next to the laundry list of horrible, reprehensible and criminal acts perpetrated by our fellow men and women upon us on a regular basis.

To further illustrate this point, I’ve compiled a comprehensive list of things that are significantly worse than gay marriage, but are not necessarily illegal (though they should be):

Having sex with a robot



Seriously, how is it not okay for a couple of gay men or women to get married when there’s people out there having sex with robots? At least a gay couple probably love one another. But a robot? Merely trading sexual favors for electricity and general maintenance my friend. Turn your back on your robo-mistress for one minute and she’ll be sucking off the next guy with a working electrical outlet faster than you can say 011101011011110101.

The new Chris Cornell/Timbaland album

Seriously dude, if your going to have an embarrassing mid-life crisis, do it on your own time.

Going to chain restaurants while on vacation in a city you’ve never been to

Have you ever gone to visit a new city with a friend or family member, and they’re all like “I know this great place to eat”, and then they try and get you to go to, like, Bubba Gumps or Cheesecake Factory or something? What’s up with that? Most people, when they go on vacation, all they do is drive around going to different place to eat and drink… If you’re going to eat and drink at a goddamn chain restaurant, why not save yourself the cost of a plane ticket and stay home?

Not eating bacon



Bacon is the most delicious food on the face of the earth. People that don’t like bacon or won’t eat it are probably aliens or witches or something and should be shunned accordingly. (I’m sorry if this offends people that don’t eat pork for religious reasons, but it’s a free country and you can always change your religion to a more pork-eating one, you know. No one’s stopping you.)

Being the guy that jacks off horses and bulls at the farm

I don’t care if it’s necessary for breeding. These dudes are creeps.

Working at a strip club for 15 years before “finding Jesus” and then all of the sudden becoming this judgmental asshole who won’t shut the f**k up about it



Right. So you can spend a lifetime doing coke and f**king strippers, but the minute you discover religion, all of the sudden you gotta come down on me for not going to church on Sunday mornings? Shut your whoresome piehole, you had your fun, now let me have mine.

Eating something at the supermarket and then bringing the wrapper to the checkout counter to pay for it

You couldn’t have waited until you got outside to eat that banana or drink that bottle of water? This may actually be illegal, depending on who you ask. But either way, it’s pretty sad.

Paying attention to anything Tila Tequila does

It’s like watching a retarded puppy with a boob job and a shitty attitude try to jump through hoops for attention. Better to just ignore it and hope it dies of shame.

Writing checks with your mouth that your ass can’t cash



This is an old classic. Everyone knows that this is something you should not do, and yet I still see people doing it every day. Women are especially guilty of this, because they think they can say anything they want to men without getting their ass beat. I’ve got news for you, ladies, if you really want complete equality with men, you’re gonna have to learn to either shut the hell up once in awhile or take one off the chin like a man.

Adults that watch professional wrestling

Grow the f**k up.

Having a pet monkey, or really any kind of exotic animal


Having a pet monkey? Irresponsible. Letting it borrow your gun? Even more so.

Monkeys are not meant to be domesticated. I don’t care if Ross had a monkey on “Friends”, or if you thought the chimp in “Dunston Checks In” seemed like a perfectly affable fellow. I’m tired of being creeped out by people’s snakes and tarantulas, annoyed and/or shit on by squawking exotic birds and being attacked by iguanas/alligators/spidermonkeys/wild boars/chinchillas or whatever weird-ass goddamn animal you assured me was “totally chill” when I came over.

Having a mustache, but not acting like the kind of guy that should have a mustache



These are the kinds of guys that should have mustaches: Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck, cowboys, bikers, old Russian dudes, Lemmy, cops, Italian plumbers, hip 80s dads, the dudes that jump into your truck when you’re at Home Depot and college professors. Are you on this list? If not, shave your face immediately and stop pissing all over the mustache’s macho reputation, you cretin.

Blogging about your personal life (unless it’s a video blog, and you are a hot chick)

NO ONE CARES

Picking up dog poo

People that do this disgust me. It takes like one day for dog poo to turn into dust. Just let nature run it’s course you clean freak poo touching degenerates.

Children



I just can't stand the little jerks. What is it with you people that you keep making more of them?

Drinking vitamin water

Use water to wash down your vitamins, fine. But vitamin infused water? That’s just lazy. And laziness does not lead to good health, my friend.

Judd Apatow

Let some one else make a comedy for once, and let it not star Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill or McLovin. Every time I go to the theater it’s like I’m having deja-vu, seeing the same fat, unshaven slob trying to break the record for most uses of the word “f**k” in a movie.

The existence of hipsters



Don’t even get me started on these people…

Endlessly quoting comedies that came out in the last 10 years

That “Anchorman” quote may have killed the week the movie came out, but it’s time to put it to bed now. Also, anyone caught in the act of quoting “Borat” or “Old School” should be held down immediately and chemically castrated without the rights to a proper trial (at least until the 10 year waiting period is up, and the aforementioned films officially become nostalgic anecdotes).

People that go to Burning Man

Take a bath once in awhile, for chrissakes will ya’?

DJs that think they are rock stars and the people that support this fallacy


Some glorified wedding DJ that thinks he's a rock star.

Playing someone else’s music does not make you a musician, even if you have to sometimes press a button or turn a knob rhythmically or whatever. DJs at parties and weddings and stuff are a necessary evil, I understand, but paying DJ AM or some other such asshole $10,000 to play top 40 songs off his iPod and then acting like he’s talented for doing so is bullshit.