Being the guy that jacks off horses and bulls at the farm

I don’t care if it’s necessary for breeding. These dudes are creeps.

Working at a strip club for 15 years before “finding Jesus” and then all of the sudden becoming this judgmental asshole who won’t shut the f**k up about it



Right. So you can spend a lifetime doing coke and f**king strippers, but the minute you discover religion, all of the sudden you gotta come down on me for not going to church on Sunday mornings? Shut your whoresome piehole, you had your fun, now let me have mine.

Eating something at the supermarket and then bringing the wrapper to the checkout counter to pay for it

You couldn’t have waited until you got outside to eat that banana or drink that bottle of water? This may actually be illegal, depending on who you ask. But either way, it’s pretty sad.

Paying attention to anything Tila Tequila does

It’s like watching a retarded puppy with a boob job and a shitty attitude try to jump through hoops for attention. Better to just ignore it and hope it dies of shame.

Writing checks with your mouth that your ass can’t cash



This is an old classic. Everyone knows that this is something you should not do, and yet I still see people doing it every day. Women are especially guilty of this, because they think they can say anything they want to men without getting their ass beat. I’ve got news for you, ladies, if you really want complete equality with men, you’re gonna have to learn to either shut the hell up once in awhile or take one off the chin like a man.

Adults that watch professional wrestling

Grow the f**k up.

Having a pet monkey, or really any kind of exotic animal


Having a pet monkey? Irresponsible. Letting it borrow your gun? Even more so.

Monkeys are not meant to be domesticated. I don’t care if Ross had a monkey on “Friends”, or if you thought the chimp in “Dunston Checks In” seemed like a perfectly affable fellow. I’m tired of being creeped out by people’s snakes and tarantulas, annoyed and/or shit on by squawking exotic birds and being attacked by iguanas/alligators/spidermonkeys/wild boars/chinchillas or whatever weird-ass goddamn animal you assured me was “totally chill” when I came over.