Having a mustache, but not acting like the kind of guy that should have a mustache



These are the kinds of guys that should have mustaches: Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck, cowboys, bikers, old Russian dudes, Lemmy, cops, Italian plumbers, hip 80s dads, the dudes that jump into your truck when you’re at Home Depot and college professors. Are you on this list? If not, shave your face immediately and stop pissing all over the mustache’s macho reputation, you cretin.

Blogging about your personal life (unless it’s a video blog, and you are a hot chick)

NO ONE CARES

Picking up dog poo

People that do this disgust me. It takes like one day for dog poo to turn into dust. Just let nature run it’s course you clean freak poo touching degenerates.

Children



I just can't stand the little jerks. What is it with you people that you keep making more of them?

Drinking vitamin water

Use water to wash down your vitamins, fine. But vitamin infused water? That’s just lazy. And laziness does not lead to good health, my friend.

Judd Apatow

Let some one else make a comedy for once, and let it not star Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill or McLovin. Every time I go to the theater it’s like I’m having deja-vu, seeing the same fat, unshaven slob trying to break the record for most uses of the word “f**k” in a movie.

The existence of hipsters



Don’t even get me started on these people…

Endlessly quoting comedies that came out in the last 10 years

That “Anchorman” quote may have killed the week the movie came out, but it’s time to put it to bed now. Also, anyone caught in the act of quoting “Borat” or “Old School” should be held down immediately and chemically castrated without the rights to a proper trial (at least until the 10 year waiting period is up, and the aforementioned films officially become nostalgic anecdotes).

People that go to Burning Man

Take a bath once in awhile, for chrissakes will ya’?

DJs that think they are rock stars and the people that support this fallacy


Some glorified wedding DJ that thinks he's a rock star.

Playing someone else’s music does not make you a musician, even if you have to sometimes press a button or turn a knob rhythmically or whatever. DJs at parties and weddings and stuff are a necessary evil, I understand, but paying DJ AM or some other such asshole $10,000 to play top 40 songs off his iPod and then acting like he’s talented for doing so is bullshit.