By Dr. Science

It has come to our attention that many of you out there are failing to grasp the concepts of proper movie quoting etiquette. You may even by unaware that such a thing exists!

It is for this reason that we have compiled a list of guidelines that will help you avoid being “that guy” at your office, or looking foolish at social gatherings. We feel confident that if you adhere to the following ten rules, you will never sound like a mongo frat boy in public ever again!

The 10 Commandments of Movie Quoting


Oh sweet lord, no.

1. You may not ever, under any circumstances, quote any line uttered by Will Farrell, Vince Vaughn, Jack Black or Ben Stiller, as they are currently the most over-quoted comedic actors of the 21st century.

2. The following films have blacklisted by the International Quoting Etiquette Association, pending further review:

Borat, Old School, Napoleon Dynamite, Swingers, Austin Powers, Animal House, Office Space, Anchorman, Monty Python and The Holy Grail, Forrest Gump, The Big Lebowski, American Pie, 300, Jerry McGuire, Army of Darkness, Terminator 2, any James Bond movie and Scarface.

Quoting from any of these films will result in eye-rolling, loss of status and possibly even social excommunication.


Here is an example of doin' it RITE.

3. Quoters are strongly encouraged not to use any line or catchphrase that was used in the trailer and/or TV spot. This will require you to dig deeper and show a deeper comprehension of the subject matter.

4. You may not use a line from a movie unless you are 100% certain that your regurgitation is correct. Additionally, one may never quote a line from a movie that is a line from another movie.

Example: “I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady.” –American Pie

5. You may only use a line from a movie once per week. In the event that a movie should contain multiple quotes and catchphrases,  you may use alternative quotes once per movie every 3 days.

6. If you can’t do a serviceable Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation, please don’t attempt to quote Arnold Schwarzenegger. The same goes for Sylvester Stallone and Robert DeNiro. There are no exceptions to this rule.


Careful, this is dangerous quotation territory...

7. In the event that a line or phrase form a popular film should become a regular part of the American language (Example: "High Fiiiiiive" or “Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner”) you may use the quote only in the strictest of context and must always do so with a noticeable tinge of irony.

8. Catchphrases from movies that are ten or more years old are to be used at your own peril. These are the movie quotes that put you at the highest risk for coming off as completely out-of-touch. Nostalgia and familiarity can be a very important facet of humor, but you must take care to ensure that you are not either:

A. Going too obscure or
B. Kicking a dead horse (i.e. anything from The Godfather, Casablanca, etc. While these films are undeniably classics, they have been retired from quotation for many years now and deserve to rest in peace.)

9. Although the standard statue of limitations for most films has been set squarely at 15 years, there have been cases of revivalists overdoing it and resetting the quotation clock from scratch. (An example of this would be Top Gun circa 2006.) The general rule of thumb is that if you’ve heard someone cooler than yourself quoting an older film, it is safe to repeat said quote to your less cool friends. This rule must never be used reflexively. We call this the “Trickle Down Theory of Quotation”.


Don't even start, dicknose.

10. A special set of circumstances applies to Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter quotation. Generally, people that are into any of the aforementioned sci-fi and fantasy franchises may quote said franchises to their heart’s content, provided that they do so only with other dorks that share their affinity. When presented with a fellow humanoid that does not appear to have knowledge or interest in any of said franchises, the quoter is instructed to zip their Cheeto-stained lips and keep it in their pants.

Special addendums: Music and Literary Quotation, TV and Wrestling

You may only quote popular song lyrics if it is done so as an insult of the artist or another person, and these may not ever be sung.

Examples:

Victim: “Hey! How’d lunch with my mom go?”
You: “I kissed a girl, and I liked it”.

Victim: “I’m just so f**king sick of these goddamn LA drivers!”
You: “Please, Hammer, Don’t hurt em’.”

Literary quotes will always make you look like a pretentious tool, no matter what they are or where they came from. There are simply too many ways to screw this up that literary quotation has been declared unsafe for any but the most skilled masters of quotation. This decision was made for the protection of the public at large from countless instances of awkwardness and douchebaggery, and extends not only to personal speech but email and all other forms of electronic communication as well.


I don't quite remember the show being as awesome as this...

The rules for TV quoting are simpler than those of movie quoting, as it is done much less frequently. Generally, quoting animated series (The Simpsons, Family Guy, King of the Hill) is always considered annoying. Catchphrases that are ten or more years old can be amusing, so long as they didn’t come from Home Improvement, Diff’rent Strokes, Seinfeld or Steve Urkel. SNL is off limits regardless of the era. Advanced quoters are encouraged to deliver comedic lines seriously, and serious lines comedically. Anything pre-1960 is considered “retired” and is not to be quoted.

The quotation of professional wrestling is never allowed under any circumstances, unless you are doing a really hilarious Ultimate Warrior impersonation. Which is really not even “quoting” so much at it is “saying whatever batshit crazy stuff pops into your head out loud”. These rules also apply to The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin and John Cena, in any TV or film projects that they have been or may become involved with.

This concludes our lesson in proper movie quotation. We hope that you will use this information to win at life instead of boring everyone with your incessant repetition of "You're My Boy Blue" and "Let's Go Streaking!". And for those of you that are advanced-level quoters just brushing up on skills, please let us know if you have any suggestions for new rules or blacklisted movies!