By Nathan Jordan

Now that I’ve taught you active listening skills, it’s time to learn the most important aspect of conversation, speaking. Of course any expert conversationalist will tell you that every good dialogue begins with an attention-grabber. This is why I carry around a box of sparklers in my pocket.

When I have something to say, I simply pull out a sparkler, light it, and wave it around so that it makes designs in the air. Only when I have everyone's undivided attention do I begin to talk. And if someone still isn’t paying attention to me, I poke them with the sparkler and burn them.
 

Pay attention or feel the pain.
 
It’s also very important to know and respect your audience. I often err on the side of caution and pretend I’m speaking to someone who doesn’t speak English. This includes, of course, speaking very loudly, over-annunciating, and using exaggerated arm movements. But just a word of warning: I find that this method of speaking sometimes angers women. I think it’s because women prefer to be spoken to in baby talk.
 
Which reminds me, you should always avoid conversations with the following people:
 
1. Women. For some reason every one I speak to gets even angrier as the conversation goes on. Even saying “you’re so cute when you’re mad” doesn’t seem to help. 
 
2. Children. They are intellectual dullards. Every time you bring up Foucault’s "The History of Sexuality", they want to talk about McDonald’s and toys.
 

What could these idiots possible add to a conversation?
 
3. Police. It’s hard to explain to them that you were talking to that child about literary theory and nothing else.
 
Of course, becoming a great conversationalist also means maintaining listener attention once you have it. I like to use something I call the “conversation bomb” to keep a listener on his toes. This is just something you blurt out in the middle of your speech that has nothing to do with what you are talking about. For instance, if you are delighting your listener with the intricacies of modern indoor plumbing and he starts to grow fidgety when you get to the subject of booster pumps, just yell out something mid-sentence like, “Your baby looks like an anus!” Boom! A conversation bomb has just blown the listener’s face clean off.
 

Another great conversationalist demonstrating the importance of erratic hand gestures when speaking.
 
I’ve also found that telling someone you are a police officer and that you are investigating them for shoplifting is a great way to keep them invested in the conversation. Trust me, with a fake badge and a cheap jacket you can keep a listener interested for days. You can even make them come back to your place for scones.
 
And remember, nothing keeps a listener focused like humor. My favorite joke is to randomly punch the listener in the face.
 
Of course, it’s also important to understand when it’s time to end a conversation. People’s time is almost as valuable as your own. I like end conversations by letting my listener know that I will soon hunt them down and talk to them whether they like it or not.
 
It's a lot to take in, I know, but with practive comes perfection.  So until next time, happy conversating!
 
Check out all of Nathan Jordan’s indispensible advice at Whitesocksblackshoes.com.