It’s not a great time to be a Pittsburgh Steelers fan because their players like to hit women. Unfortunately, incidents like this are becoming increasingly common in sports. If you are a sports fan (ie- not a communist) then you have probably been through this as well. A player for your favorite team has a bad day and lashes out at the lady in his life with a few choice words and his favorite martial arts combo. If the player sucks (Cedric Wilson), the team can cut him and feel proud about sending a message. If he doesn’t suck (James Harrison), the team is forced to cut the player with the closest number who does suck in order to send some sort of message.

This always makes fans uncomfortable. It really is a lot easier to root for a guy that hasn’t had sex with a minor, treated his wife’s face like a candy-less piñata, or drank his weight in delicious booze before grabbing his keys and playing the world’s most serious video game (bonus points for doing all three in one night). It doesn’t have to be this way, though. There’s a way to solve all of this. It’s high time we made domestic abuse a good thing.

Everyone can be a winner here by changing how these situations are handled. Instead of the awkward feeling of rooting for an abuser/rapist/drunk, teams should just start fining players for these transgressions and donating the money to charity. Cedric Wilson shouldn’t be cut for delivering the People’s Elbow to his girlfriend’s face, he should just be forced to buy a few sandwiches for those skinny kids in Africa. Harrison shouldn’t be able to turn woman-punching into the new Xbox among pro athletes, so he should have to buy a few dirt bikes for orphans instead.

Really, everyone wins here. Athletes don’t have to worry about losing their careers over a few youthful indiscretions. African kids can get something to eat before being slaughtered by rebels. Orphans can feel like God hasn’t given up on them after all. Fans can rationalize away any concerns over rooting for criminals because of the greater good. Even the victims win here, as they can proudly sport their black eyes while playing the martyr role to the hilt.

Little things like “drunk driving” and “assault” will no longer get in the way of winning. As Vince Lombardi said, “winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.” Which means a dirt bike for “No-daddy-Johnny” and a quarter-pounder with cheese for little Iyapo are just icing on the glorious cake that is spousal abuse.

Mark Fox is a columnist for Crave Online. He can be reached at thefoxwhole@gmail.com