By Nathan Jordan

We don’t know how it will happen, where it will happen, or why it will happen, but be forewarned, it will happen-- the end of civilization as we know it. In the interest of making sure the human species survives the next apocalyptic event, Crave Online survival expert Nathan Jordan offers the following tips for survival.

BE PREPARED FOR ANYTHING
 

Even Las Vegas isn’t safe from nature’s wrath.
 
So it’s the end of civilization as we know it. How did this happen? Where did it all go wrong? There are many possibilities: volcanoes, nuclear war, a super virus. But most likely the end will happen because the Scientologists have been right all along. Whatever the cause, it’s important to be prepared for anything and everything. And that starts with....
 
STOCKPILING
 
Water, guns, food. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Just start stockpiling something now. Before my “treatments,” I stockpiled jars of urine. Sounds strange, I know, but let’s say there’s a plague of mutant zombies who can only be killed by urine. Who’s crazy now? 
 

Forget a shower. With all the urine I have saved up, these fuckers are going down in a golden monsoon.
 
SPEND INORDINATE AMOUNTS OF MONEY ON SURVIVAL BOOKS
 
You think the freakin’ library is still going to be open after the government is run by robots? (Openly, that is.) They won’t even let me in the library now because of one little incident. These days at least 50% of my unemployment check goes towards my own collection, and it’s all survival books. (And in my library, I’m allowed to expose myself all I want.) Here’s a brief list of some of my favorite titles:
 
How to Grow Webbed Feet and Develop Gills After the Ice Caps Melt
Living Forever: Part 1, a Guide to the First 75-90 Years
Fifty Easy Recipes for Cockroach Droppings
Shit Sandwich: You Better Spread Some Survival on that Toast
Oprah Winfrey: A Biography