STUDY A MARTIAL ART
 
When the world is once again plunged into the darkness of anarchy and chaos and the last human beings must abide only by the savage laws of nature, survival will probably be decided by a large, worldwide martial arts tournament. So you better at least have a purple belt in Tae Kwan Do or you better pray you don’t draw me in an early round.
 

The author’s rendering of the near future.
 
LEARN HOW TO TRACK ANIMALS
 
Fun fact: if you can’t put your ear to the ground and tell how far away a deer is, you might as well just kill yourself now.
 
BUILD A “SURVIVAL ROOM” AND REMEMBER, IT’S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF *
 
So you’ve spent the last few years building a survival shelter deep underground in your backyard. You’ve received complaints from your neighbors. City officials have tried to shut you down just because you accidentally broke a water main. And your girlfriend leaves you because she wants “to explore her options” and she’s tired of digging.
 
Well then guess what happens.... There’s a nuclear apocalypse. 
 
And look who’s begging to be let in the shelter now. “What’s that Bob? You have kids? Oh, yeah, that’s right. They called the police on me that time I was naked in my car. Well sorry, Bob, but I only have enough food for one person. Sorry you and your family has to slowly die from radiation poisoning. Oh... and who’s that? Rebecca? Oh, you love me now? Sure, you can come in as soon as you ditch that loser you’re with.”
 

Hey, Rebecca, I hope your new boyfriend’s Porsche can outrun a nuclear blast.
 
And remember, when it all comes down to it, it’s all about being able to get the last word in. Now that’s something you can live with!
 
* Just a word of caution, any false reports of an eminent nuclear attack could lead to some awkward neighborhood mixers later on.